New Way To Bleed
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: For Amanda Rollins sometimes even to live is an act of courage. She's out of courage out of fight will anyone figure it out in time will anyone save her? Can you really save someone who doesn't want to be saved?
1. Chapter 1

**New Way To Bleed**

 **[A/N Legally I own nothing except my ideas thoughts and feelings, NBC has all the rights.** **There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.** **I am merely a fan of this amazing** **Emmy award winning show and the actors who bring the characters to life. This fic takes place during the 18** **th** **season. Love Amanda and wish there were more Rolivia fics. Told from Amanda's p.o.v]**

" _Something happened to me on the job"_

God those words seemed so far away that girl who uttered them she seems so far away yet it's only been four and a half years since she first came here to New York City from Atlanta Georgia. I can still see us in hallway of LaGuardia Psychiatric Hospital myself leaning against the wall back towards Olivia Benson. I couldn't see her face yet I could hear the concern in her voice. She wanted to know, damn I wanted to tell her to.

" _Someone you worked with?"_

Sometimes she could be so stubborn she didn't want to let it go. Looking back on that day I think to myself maybe if I had just trusted her then, maybe things would be different now. I thought I was so strong though I didn't need anyone to listen to me. I didn't need or want self pity, I didn't want that look, the look we give to victims to let them know it's not their fault. I've seen Liv give it to so many of the victims over the last five years. Part of me didn't want to be one of those girls. The other part of me wanted to throw myself into her arms to let it all out.

I barely recognize that girl anymore. She had hope then, hope that somehow, someway everything would be alright if she just pretended it didn't happen if she bottled it all up inside, take another drink, smoked another cigarette, gambled the night away. I never wanted to show anyone what was wrong. I tried to be the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day even when my own light was fading fast more and more each day.

Every night however I would cry myself to sleep, I got use to the pain the tears, of course sleep was a laugh if I made it through a few hours without those awful nightmares well it was a good night. I stayed silent though even when everything wrong was screaming at me from the inside. I was a good girl, I played the part well. No one ever cared enough to hold me down or forced me to cry on to their shoulders no one held me when I was afraid.

They took my act for sincerity, we're cops we didn't hug it out or get all emotional, the job already took enough of an emotional toll on us. There simply wasn't time or energy to be there for each other to force out all these buried twisted sick secrets. We couldn't or just didn't want to see the inside of each other.

So if I said "I'm fine" If I smiled and walked away no one took it any further, no one took the time to see it was all a lie. They never had the courage to say "No You're not" Why scream it out? No one listens anyway. Some scars heal with time but not all scars some just get deeper and bleed in different ways. You can't always see them it doesn't mean the pain isn't real.

I didn't tell her how could I? I just got transferred here from Atlanta, Liv she's one of the strongest, fiercest, toughest females I have ever known. Liv has shaped the heart of the special victims unit here in New York City. I've studied her for years, I admired her wanted to be like her. How could I admit to her how stupid I was, how I let myself be taken advantage of? I maybe weak but as long as she never sees it, I can go on pretending that I am half as strong as her. That I deserve to carry this badge, shield. I field off her question with a simple.

" _Something not worth pursuing"_

If I shut the conversation down I could shut myself down. Liv didn't seem to want to take that as an answer.

" _That's how they win"_

She didn't pressure me however she's good like that knowing when and where the right time is to confront someone. I wish now that she had kept pressuring me, I was so raw than the pain hadn't yet numbed me it was there burning to get out, I might of cracked. I might of gotten the help I needed, even just talking to her might of given me some sort of reassurance that it wasn't my fault. She didn't why?

Simple because I didn't matter then, I matter even less now, it's hard to find it inside of you to offer you're time love and patience to someone you don't trust. I lost all my chances of being in her heart in her life when I let my self become so consumed by my own self destruction. I should be use to it my whole life was one big mistake.

Starting with my mama getting pregnant with me. A fact she never let me forget everyday with every hit every icy hateful word. I grew up knowing I had to fix this injustice somehow.

I knew I was a burden to her so I did whatever I could to stay out of her life, I cooked, I cleaned as soon as I could hold a broom or flip an egg. I studied hard I made sure I didn't blast my music too loud. When my sister was born I took care of her so Mama could drink and date. I stayed invisible as much as I could if we didn't have food in the house. I didn't bother her with it I did what I could so Kim, I could eat. I learned to shoot a riffle when I was five by watching TV. I hunted for food, if I couldn't catch anything I stole from the local market. I was careful I never got caught.

I wasn't popular in school we didn't have money for the cool clothes nor did I care I just wanted to study hard get into a good college and get out of Georgia. All my hard work paid off I guess I became valedictorian class of 1999. Went to college got a degree in

Forensic science rose ranks quickly in the Atlanta PD which wasn't easy in Atlanta it's a boy's club. So I played the perfect girl I batted my eyelashes, flirted, dated did things I am not proud of. They tried to break me but I refused to be broken. They would never see me helpless, beaten, broken scared.

It feels like an ocean wave after wave keep beating at me my chest is raw now my lungs feel like their on a slap open decaying from all the salt. I struggle now to stay a float my neck is hurting it's getting impossible to lift it up.

Yet I have to. Wait no I don't not anymore what's the point? No one would care if I put a bullet through my head. No one would miss me. My heart was racing I couldn't stop the memories from rolling through my head in assault after assault. I drown another glass of vodka it does little to take that acid nauseated taste from my mouth, memories. I still hear Mama yelling at me when I was six. I had killed my first buck yet she wasn't proud that I had found dinner for Kim, I. She was ashamed of her tomboy daughter who had dragged blood through the kitchen floor. Her date had found it disgusting walking out on her. I still feel her palm slapping me as she screamed at me that I was a disgrace. I can still hear my little sister crying in the corner, I can still see Mama going over to her picking her up screaming at me that I had upset her precious baby girl.

Another glass the liquid burns my throat my eyes water it doesn't help it just adds to my confusion. The memories keep coming I am eight now in my dad's car he's so happy he just scored big at the casino he wants to celebrate. So he grabs a six pack he makes me drink the foul tasting beer, I spit it up which makes him mad. I can still feel his fists against my check, I can still feel his fingers grabbing my shirt ripping it off.

Years later now sitting alone in my apartment in the dark the fear still grips me. I was eight too young to know that what he was doing was wrong, yet I felt it, the coldness of his hands against my bare skin, the dryness of his lips as they kiss me in places a daddy's lips should never kiss his daughters. I remember staring up at the sky then thinking how far away heaven seemed as I laid on my back in the passenger seat of his old car.

Now I look at the brilliant New York Skyline I struggle to see the stars to see heaven once again it seems so far beyond my reach. Maybe it isn't meant for me to see only good girls go to heaven. I am far from a good girl. The smoke ring above me clogs my vision more as the dull of a dying cigarette dangles from my cold hand. My throat seems to be closing it's hard to breathe.

I hate myself with every sip I hope death comes to me soon I am so weak so pathetic. I thank god if he exist which I strongly doubt. I thank him that no one from my squad can see me now. My pride? Did I ever have it? My dignity? Nope that died when I was eight in the back of my dad's car, all the times since which he used me as his personal stress reviler. All I have left is anger depression and hate.

They say I will learn to find happiness again someday, I don't believe them anymore cause I don't trust anyone. I've learned that lesson early on I trusted my parents they used me, left me, broke me. I trusted my chief in Atlanta he raped me blamed me and made me feel like a slut. I trusted Amaro he used me for sex than left me for his wife, kids.

I don't deserve comfort, love, trust I am a horrible weak person. I tried to smile through the pain, I said the words a million times " _I'm Fine_ " " _Don't worry ya'll I'm pretty as peach_ " Their lies and I am a master of lies. Even telling myself it doesn't hurt I mean sometimes it doesn't when I am drunk high when I am gambling when I cut, I stare at my arms a blur of deep red scars my thighs. I can block the flashbacks out when I am using my coping methods the problem is they always end come the dawn of a new morning light,

Closing my eyes I tried to block out the latest of my screw ups the biggest most painful one. It doesn't help I didn't deserve her sweetness her laughter her arms wrapped around my neck as we danced. Those eyes that burned so bright full of life, love, trust laughter, innocence. Innocence I was never allowed to have I can't dream sweet dreams anymore it's all nightmares. I'm a slave to this pain.

I'm a failure a slut a bad mother a waste of space I get it, I'm ready to let go of it all. I feel it coming over me again the anxiety the hopelessness the fear the shame. I'm going over the edge. I know it I should call for help but what's the point? I'd only be calling to myself in the darkness. New York City the city of hopes, dreams, opportunity millions of people yet I am alone.

Freedom is it waiting for me? Or is there a cruel trick awaiting me in the next life? Is there even another life? Maybe this is it. Shakily I reach for my safety my escape the heaviness of it doesn't escape me. I must be really drunk now because I've held this gun a million times before with little effort.

Liv will blame herself as she does with all the deaths of her squad, she shouldn't I should write her a note explaining how this was all my fault. My eyes feel so heavy though I honestly don' think I can write straight. I was the one who lied saying I was fine yet I know her she's a detective she'll feel like she failed at her job. Fin he will be so angry at me he always says he's not ready for a new partner.

He'll have to be ready he will get through this he deserves a partner that isn't always screwing up one where he doesn't have to bail out all the time or wonder where the hell she is. Maybe he'll get paired with Carisi he's really a sweet guy smart a good detective. I worry about him more than the others him and I just started working together he takes things to heart something you can't do in this line of work.

I wish I could tell them not waste their time mourning me. Thinking of me I am not worth it. It's not their fault I am just so screwed up, I'm nothing I gave up it's not on them. It's all me. I can't keep fighting. No one will shed a tear over me I'm not worth any. Jesse she was worth a million tears, I've shed more than a million. The room is cold so cold perfect for me. I see the scars on my chest Liv had seen them when we were changing one day last week, she had ordered me to see a shrink not to come back until I was cleared. It's laughable a shrink takes one look at me and she'll declare me insane. I can still the tears in her eyes when she placed her hand on my shoulder.

" _It's not you're fault Manda you don't have to deal with this pain alone"_

She's wrong it is my fault, I am alone. I'm sorry Liv I tried I just can't do it anymore time is running out. I need to right this wrong even if some wrongs can never be made right. I can't take their stares, the pity the whispers they burn holes inside of me scarier uglier than the ones covering my body. I saw the fear in Liv's eyes she's right to be afraid these secrets are sick the feelings they cause their sick. No one an understand unless it happens to them. The cuts their just a new way to bleed. I've been bleeding my whole life.

I've had enough letting out a deep breath I look up to the sky is heaven really there? Shakily my finger squeezes tighter on the trigger. Only a matter of seconds now. I wonder what death will feel like will I be reunited with Jesse? My sweet baby girl or will I burn in hell? Will it just be a new way to bleed? I close my eyes I have so many things to be sorry for. I put my squad through hell. Maybe this will make it right. I only hope Liv can forgive me for this.

" _Maybe now you can learn to trust me again Liv maybe now you will see I can handle myself. I'm sorry Liv sorry for everything I put you through please don't forget me, find a way to move on. I'll be fine where ever I end up"_

" _ **Bang"**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Olivia p o v**

" _Liv"_

My eyes opened slowly hearing Detective Fin Tutuola call me. He was standing nervously in my doorway. Probably trying to decided if he should ask me something. I never imagined it would be this hard to be Lieutenant. I've struggled to make sure my squad knows they can come to me with anything. Yet I also make sure they know I will not tolerate any B.S. I flashed a little smile towards him so he knew he could come in.

" _Lt I'm heading out for the night do you need anything Liv?"_

Fin was so sweet to worry about me I counted myself lucky to have such an amazing friend and coworker. Clearing my throat I let him know I would be fine yet I appreciated his thought. Wishing him a good night I assured him I would be heading out soon.

" _Forgive me Lt I don't want to overstep my place however I hate to see you being so hard on yourself"_

I had no idea what he was talking about so I let him keep talking sitting up straighter behind my desk. Motioning for him to come inside closing the door which he did.

" _What do you mean Fin?"_

Sitting across from me now leaning forward he clenched his hands together. I could see he was choosing what to say carefully. This could be fun always love to hear what other people think about me.

" _Today was rough Liv real rough for all of us. I know it's not our usual case, still I saw how the mom's statement affected you."_

So he saw through me than? Damn I thought I covered myself pretty well. I'd have to work on that one. After all I was Lieutenant it was my job to set the tone for the whole squad if they saw me stressed, they'd get stressed. This job was stressful enough they didn't need to worry about me. Again I assured him I was fine squeezing his hand which still did little to convince him, I could see the look of worry in his eyes.

" _Liv how long have we worked together?"_

" _Seventeen almost 18 years Fin are you trying to make me feel old?'_

Fin's chuckle relaxed me in one swift motion he was up behind me massaging my shoulders. Fin is not usually the hands on type of guy like most of my male coworkers he is one of few words when it comes to emotions. So I found this a little nerve wrecking what was he trying to do?

" _No Liv you are not anywhere near old except an old soul what I am trying to say though is that I know you Liv. Maybe better than you know yourself. I saw you're face when Shane's mom started talking about their fight, how those words she said were the last ones he ever heard."_

What was he getting at? Of course it effected me for god sakes. I am a mother hearing how awful any parent was to their child right before they died. Well damn right it effected me, but I can't judge her she had no way of knowing that she'd never see her son alive again. She was just a frustrated parent with a kid who she thought was rebellion.

" _Liv I won't sugar coat it I know it got you thinking of Rollins. I know how guilty you feel over what happened, I know you think it's because of the fight you had with her but Liv you can't keep carrying on this guilt, I get it I do she is.. was my partner if anyone should of seen how far she was sinking it should of have been me. I didn't, I failed her Liv, but in the end Rollins she had her issues long before any of us met her. As much as I hate to say this it's possible that ultimately we might of not been able to stop her"_

Hearing how emotional Fin was getting feeling his fingers tighten on my shoulders, I felt the need to get up taking his hands into mine. Swallowing against the lump in my throat I cleared my airway before softly yet firmly replying.

" _Fin it's no one's fault none of could of predicted how depressed Rollins was she hid it all with that beautiful brave smile, her battle scars go way back she learned so young way too young to grin to bare and to keep silent. It's what makes her such an amazing asset to our team she's a hero to the beaten, sick, broken, disheartened she knew what it felt like to be abused taken advantage of she understood what it felt like to grow up thinking she was worth nothing. She empathized with the victims because she spent so much time trying to not to be one_. _She trusts us, she loves us let that knowledge comfort you guide you through use it as fuel to continue the work she loves, help as many people as we can, keep this battle going until the war is over"_

He nodded smiling squeezing my shoulders a bit as he bid me goodnight. Once he closed the door though all my emotions my guilt, fear, self hate poured among the tears streaming down. I just lied to one of my detectives I meant what I said it wasn't his fault.

What happened to Rollins no that was all on me. I was her lieutenant her first command her partner her friend. I should of seen the signs saw how much she was hurting saw the light dying in her eyes. She's always been a warrior but even the greatest of warriors fall down in battle sometimes. I should of seen not just the fall but the fact that she never truly got her fight back.

I should of done more tried harder from the very start maybe if I had taken the damn time to really look into her eyes. Maybe I would of seen some sign. Maybe I could of stopped it all before it went this far.

Sinking to the bottom of my door I let the tears flow. How could I of not seen? What kind of friend did that make me. Hell what kind of leader was I if I didn't see my own detective falling so hard? What kind of detective was I if I missed all the clues?

 **A/N Thank you for all the lovely reviews/ corrections. Sorry to keep you waiting. Have a few more chapters done. Can't wait to see what you're thoughts and suggestions are. So was anyone else bummed we have to wait another week for an all new Law and Order? Who thinks Kim is going to cause trouble for Rollins? Who believes she's found the way and is ready to change?** **Love to hear from you twitter username is Mileycfan4eva.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Liv**

I have no idea how much time passed since Fin left and the tears first flowed down. All I knew was that by the time I crawled over to my desk my legs were shaking aching and I felt exhausted. So many questions ran through my head I know logically no one is to really blame. Not even Amanda yet it doesn't stop my heart from hurting my eyes from leaking or my brain from screaming at me. The blame, guilt, shame, pain anger it all comes crashing down in waves. I let out a scream thankful it was late most everyone has gone home.

There are no answers that's the part so frustrating. How does someone get that lonely? How do they feel so empty hopeless? How do the people who love them not see the signs? How does someone hurt that bad? When did emptiness replace the laughter, joy sarcasm? Were drugs or alcohol involved? When did I last tell her I loved her? Did I ever say those words to her? I always thought she knew, I knew she loved me even if she never uttered those words. We're cops we don't just start yelling stuff like that at a bar at 1 am after an all niter. Yet we're also female there's a connection at least I thought there was.

Maybe I never made her feel it maybe I was too rough on her too demanding excepted too much. We have it rougher women like Amanda and I we're in a male dominated world we have to man up be tougher than most females. Sometimes I forget how to be vulnerable. I'm just starting to learn now that I have Noah. Did I learn too late? Did she never learn?

Amanda Rollins was one of the brightest smartest fast thinking smart tongue people I have ever known. When she came here five years ago from down South I was in a bad place. I didn't give her the attention she deserved I pushed her aside I took her for granted. I knew how dedicated she was she had worked hard to get to NYC I even suspected she had a little crush on me an admiration.

I never got to know her back than sure we worked together but she was so closed off personally I didn't push her to get information. Maybe some of it was because of my own messed up childhood being a product of rape having dealt with my moms alcohol and physical abuse, never knowing my father. I wanted out so I studied hard leaving little time to party or date. I closed myself off so I could protect myself maybe that's why I never let myself get close to Amanda we are more alike than I could ever see till now.

Maybe she saw it maybe that's why she tried so hard to impress me to be like me. I never gave her the chance to truly know me. My fingers automatically traced the screen saver on my laptop a shot from this past summer taking on the carousel. Noah in my lap, Amanda next to me with Jesse, Fin and Carisi in back of us making faces.

Smiling as I see Noah clutching Jesse's hand I can't help but feel this overwhelming sadness he is so young, he'll never have these memories of his best friend/ sister. Only from stories that I will tell him it's not fair it breaks my heart he should have been able to grow up with his best friend, he should be protecting her tickling teasing chasing her dodging kisses, laughter from the other boys. He should be teaching her to ride a bike shoot a ball.

Calling Lucy to tell her it would be a long night I tried to clear my head I needed to focus on this case. Yet guilt kept overwhelming me I was missing so much time with Noah he was growing so fast it seems he learns a new word a new step everyday. There are times I consider giving up my career. I had enough money I could take a few years off spend time with him till he was older in school. Somehow I can never do it though does it make me a bad mom? Sometimes I question myself than I get a case like this one.

The reasons I can't let go as much as I want to spend time with Noah a picture with a file brings me back to the reality that I am one of the lucky moms out here who gets to go home to their kid safe, happy alive. There are millions of parents out there who will never get to hold their child ever again.

Those parents deserve justice, closure, answers. Those kids deserve to rest in peace. Parents like Mariska and Jordan Young picking up the picture of their son. Smiling as he sat in a swing mid flight you could see the laughter in the eight year olds eyes, another picture however taken just three weeks ago of a now taller shyer thinner Shane Young showed that same smile on his lips but his eyes their sadder. Hiding behind his shaggy dark brown hair highlighted with purple and pink highlights he reminded me of how Noah may look in ten years or so. A chill went through me I hoped to god I showed Noah how much I love him how special he is. I hope he never feels bullied or worthless the way Shane's tormentors made him feel.

Only fifteen years old yet Shane had more courage than most adults I know. I don't know many kids who at the age of 13 know who they are what they want to be. Who have the balls to announce to their class and family at middle school graduation that they are a homosexual proud of it and will be a famous singer one day or a fashion designer. Yet Shane did he was the only openly gay kid in his small private school, he never let the hate stop him from taking dance class sewing classes telling jokes wearing makeup or dresses.

Unfortunately it did not stop the other kids from bullying him shoving his face in the toilet beating him up spitting at him, ripping his hair out stealing his notebooks reading his songs out loud while his classmates laughed.

Ripping his clothes spilling his lunch on him tripping him in the halls stalking him home, online calling him vile names. Only one kid stood by him his friend Taylor Clements an outcast just like him a girl who wasn't sure where she fit in she had the money to buy the best clothes yet she chose to dress in all black wear a punk hairstyle pierce whatever body part she wanted. She liked music the other kids didn't approve of she liked girls she liked boys, yet no one gave her a chance to be liked for who she was.

Telling them they didn't deserve to live pushing them to the point where they felt they had no other choice but to take a gun to each others heads. Some people call it murder some call it suicide to their parents it's simply a tragedy. Shane is gone forever, Taylor is left in a coma unknown if she'll ever wake up again.

To us here in SVU we call it preventable it didn't need to happen yet it did so now we have to figure out do we charge those who drove them to it? Did anyone drive them to it? Was it their own choice?

I glanced at one of his quotes on his website " _Heaven is not somewhere you go when you die- it is the moment in you're life when you truly feel alive"_ I wonder if he ever felt a moment like that did Taylor? Did Amanda? Hell did any of us?

My eyes once again turned to a picture of Amanda taken in my car two years ago while on a stake out she was tired grumpy, cold, hungry; had to pee yet she still made me laugh, her eyes were filled with mystery sarcasm and humor even in the midst of busting a pedophile ring she found humor.

She would know what needed to be done now she would fight to make sure the kids who did this were put away. Think Olivia focus. These kids could not be forgotten it's our job to fight for the fallen to pick them up even if they are never the same they need a chance.

Remember when you learned how to fly as a kid how magical that felt remember the feeling of being invincible. You can be that little girl again find it in you for Taylor for Shane. I said a quick prayer to god for strength for wisdom for peace for the fallen.

" _Blessed are thy innocent for they shall see god"_

" _Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."_

Suddenly I felt a wind pass by me I felt cold shivering I spun around no one was there my window had opened slightly. I swear I heard someone whisper.

" _Let your light shine in such a way that they may see your good work without you we are just another sad song a staggering statistic we deserve more than that I can count on you Liv right?"_

My throat felt dry it couldn't be my eyes searched all over my heart beat way too fast.

" _Rollins?"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Liv**

Scanning the little facts that we had on these two kids I found myself losing focus. Anger just consumed me. I should be use to the horrors in this world, I don't know why I can't seem to grasp this. Cases of abuse, torture, rape come across our desks in spades everyday. Yet this case was gripping maybe it was because while the numbers were rising faster every year for teen suicides. Society was still treating it as a taboo subject either ignoring it in the vain belief it will go away after all kids will be kids right?

Than there's the other half the population who have just become so numb to it all another suicide another day. You can't save them all right? Maybe not but we can save as many as we work to. Focus Liv focus. Breathe out what do we know about them? Not much okay but use what we know.

Shane Jordan Young age 15 nicknames Shay or Shay J sometimes Young average height 5'7, 110 l.b. Brown hair green eyes, he was an advanced dancer having taken dace lessons since he was two at Linking Dance To Children Around The World [LDTCW]

Studio on the upper west side. He had won numerous awards even booked a few dance jobs, he modeled as a kid, took acting and vocal lessons at the Linklater center.

He was a Sophomore at The Dalton School on the upper east side. He wasn't the top of the class yet he did decent. Never got in any trouble with the law or at school. He was the only child to both parents. He loved Lady Gaga, Madonna, Ariana Grande, One Direction.

Taylor Maire Clements middle child to her divorced parents Jed and Lee. Older brother Chris two years senior younger brother by three years Jamie. Half Sister on her mom's side Tina who is four years younger. Parents have joint custody one week with each dad lives in the Bronx mom lives in the upper west side. Taylor was a classic pianist who could also rap dance and act. She started making her own clothes when she was ten.

Quite kid who excelled in school who did whatever her parents asked started experimenting with her sexuality when she was fourteen, she's had three girlfriends five boyfriends some serious some fun. She loved to change her hair color, makeup style of dress. She dreamed of going to Julliard someday of opening her own studio.

I wish Rollins was here she was so much more tech smart than I am I could barely get this facebook site open. Turning the radio on I settled on the first station which turned out to be a country one. I hate country music uh but whatever I had a case I needed to focus on.

Finally I got to his facebook page scrolling through it I saw he had a bunch of videos of himself singing cover songs as well as a few of him and Taylor doing some original ones.

They were good really good, I noticed how he closed his eyes when he sung looking at peace. Seeing the comments however made me cringe.

 **SeeingGhost333:** _"Uh this is total cra failure u disgusting fag"_

 **TimMcgrawLver:** _"Whoever told u that u could sing freak lied u suck arse oh wait that's a compliment to u isn't it homo?"_

 **TeenDeathsMakeMeLol:** _"Go kill yourselves freaks what a pair! A dick loving crip and a goth horror tragedy show!"_

These kids were cruel to them how did they get away with it? Why weren't there laws to stop them? What gave someone the right to sit behind a screen and lash out on people who are just trying to live their lives as real as possible. Anger bubbled up inside of me as I kept reading going from page to page till I got to his last post.

" _ **Remember me as a unicorn running free in brilliant color**_

 _ **Remember me when I was happy full of life laughter hope**_

 _ **Just remember me"**_

 _ **To my family my friends I am so sorry I really truly am this pains me to write this to you. Please know this is not you're fault you are loving fun outgoing fucking awesome people, I am the one who is wrong, in so many ways. I tried please know I did I am just so tired of hurting, of wondering why I am so screwed up. Tired of being afraid lonely tired of fighting when no one wants to stand besides me.**_

 _ **Unicorns are suppose to fly how can I fly when they clipped my wings when they dangle them in my face laugh at my tears?**_

 _ **To the few who loved me without being blood never be afraid to shine bright you are special. To those who told me I am nothing? Screw you I am fabulous I am just too fabulous to be stiffened of my wings so I need to fly away.'**_

 _ **Shine Bright Superstars**_

 _ **Lov Shay J**_

Copied to his post was a post from Taylor her final one, chills went through my body as I read hers.

" _ **Maybe my death will make people realize that words can hurt as much as, if not more than, physical blows,"**_

" _ **I want to prevent anyone I can from hurting."**_

" _ **No one ever protected me this is why we are here now I hear the names the whispers I know you all stare, why? Is it because you think I am pretty? No it's because you think I am a slut a whore a freak because I have balls to dare to be who I want to like who my heart tells me I like.**_

 _ **This makes me wrong somehow in you're eyes. So you bully me you physically assault me you laugh at me, the grownups who are suppose to help me encourage me teach me inspire me they avert their eyes they pretend they don't hear or they laugh and tell me to "Man up" so I did I started cutting myself it helped a little it hurt a lot but I am use to the pain.**_

 _ **I am an artist my body is my canvas it has been since I was 1**_ _ **0**_ _ **. I just wanted to tell you how I feel. I was/am a cutter. I stopped for about**_ _ **three weeks**_ _ **and have recently started again. Sometimes I feel so empty, like everything inside of me is gone."**_

" _ **One night when I was 12 m**_ _ **y mom and**_ _ **I**_ _ **were talking about people who are "emo" and she asked me if I'd ever cut, I'd finally gotten tired of lying, so I told her.**_ _ **She made me talk to a shrink I hated him he told me I was a brat and I needed to grow up. One of the things that has helped me the most is music writing to express the way I feel can help me resist the cutting but only for a little while because I always think I am so smart. I post my music online thinking someone will discover me, someone always does some nameless faceless troll who lives to tear me down."**_

" _ **I've had enough I am sorry mom I know in you're own way you love me but you are always so busy making deals for other people's children. I think you forgot your own child. Dad I love you I will always treasure our Yankee trip days remember me when you are aiming for a grand slam I will be in Heaven's outfield awaiting your father/ daughter catch."  
**_

" _ **To my brothers my sister your welcome the bitch is gone now mom and dad can focus on you." xoxo Taylor.**_

She started cutting when she was ten? My breath seemed to catch before I could let it out grabbing the crime scene photo's. Their bodies laying motionless covered in blood his eyes open wide empty void of emotion or life. Cuts lined their arms, torso's, legs they started out small but I could see how with time they got bigger longer. I wondered what could drive such beautiful talented kids to harm themselves. The pain they must have been hiding inside had to be so intense. It kills me to think about anyone being in that much pain.

Is this the future Noah was going to grow up in? He had a rough childhood his speech was late developing he had been abused as a baby leading to health issues. Would other kids make fun of him because of his speech? Would he be out-casted? Made to feel ashamed? Hurt? The words Shay J's mom said came back to me as she cried in my arms earlier that afternoon.

" _I wish he had come to me I wish he had someone he could of talked to he kept everything bottled inside, why didn't he talk to me? His teachers? His dad? Someone! I'm his mama how did I miss the signs?"_

I felt her pain as my eyes once again landed on the photo taken last summer in Central Park. Amanda was smiling her arm wrapped around me head slightly leaning on my shoulder so exhausted feeling like she would faint. It was the annual NYC Police Marathon. She had placed second out of 20,000 who had entered. We were all so proud of her she had worked so damn hard training her whole life she's so athletic. Was she cutting than? Shay's mom was asking herself the same questions I have been asking myself since I saw the scars on my youngest detective's chest last week.

My little Georgia Peach did I not tell her often enough how much she meant to all of us? She has the biggest smile not just on her pretty peach lips but in those gorgeous blue eyes. She has a rare raw sense of humor she can out drink out mouth most of the male policemen. She's quick witted smart stubborn sometimes too damn stubborn too brilliant too confident for her own good sometimes. It's the reason we clash so much she challenges authority never for defiance purposes but simply because she's passionate about her job about helping our victims. Unfortunately Internal Affairs doesn't always take her side which puts me in the position to be the one who disciplines her.

I didn't want to believe she had become so depressed over these last few months. I should of though after everything she's been through losing Jesse, everything her mom and sister have done to her. Losing a child I can't even think about how someone bounces back from that the blame she must be putting on herself.

It all started when Nick left I know she started drinking a way to keep herself from gambling. I tried not to let myself think about the fact they were sleeping together the lines they were crossing the trouble they could both get into. What I didn't know wouldn't hurt me right?

Nope but it did hurt her I saw the look in her eyes when he told her he was leaving for Ca to be with Maria and his kids. Did she start then? Was she finding love in the blood she bleed? Love Nick didn't give to her? She never talked to us she just kept saying _"I'm fine ya'll"_ I didn't believe her none of us did yet what did we do about it? Nothing I never even checked in with her, did she start drinking so heavily that she started sleeping around using older men to find love she never had from her dad?

She never talks about her family never even heard her mention a father. She never told us who Jesse's dad was. I wondered if she even knew. Of course I could never ask her. How the hell do you ask someone you barely talk to if they know her their baby daddy is without making them sound like a slut?

She was a good mom though which I admit surprised me she grew up fast taking responsibility. I'm afraid she put too much pressure on herself though. Nothing good can come of it when an addict puts the bar too high for themselves. She couldn't drink herself till she passed out now, she couldn't blow her money on gambling. Is that when she started cutting?

It was apparent that she had been doing it for some time those scars weren't all fresh. I made her strip down which lead to a huge fight she refused we started screaming. I wasn't proud of it but I ripped her shirt off her that day in the locker room. I saw them all lining her chest, arms, upper torso, stomach. Some small some bigger all red ugly angrily glaring at me.

Was it the arrival of her sister after she got out of jail? Should I have tried harder to convince her to put Kim in a shelter? None of this would of happened then. Her mom wouldn't of come back. Jesse would be alive.

I can't erase those scars from my mind. When I was home with Noah playing with him cuddling him laughing. Amanda was spending another night alone with a drink, a knife to her body.

How far can someone fall before it's too late? Taylor had been cutting for five years till she just couldn't take it anymore? How long had Shay been doing it? Dear God Amanda what would happen to her if she didn't let us in? Grabbing my phone I sent her the 6th text message of the day.

" _Rollins y_ _our feelings must just overwhelm you sometimes. You've been through a lot — no wonder you hurt. I want to help you find a way to cope that won't hurt you anymore._ _Please contact us we're all worried about you we all love you"_

Closing my eyes I fought off the tears she thinks she is so strong so invincible just like Taylor and Shay. I bet they never thought they would reach the end of their rope. You don't think when you're young, hurting that you will ever feel anything expect pain suffering. Amanda can be like a child sometimes I mean she never had a real childhood sometimes I think she gets stuck in her mind crossed between that little girl forced to grow up mixed with the adult she is now not quiet ready to be an adult. Grownups can tell you it will get better you can see all campaigns hear all the slogans yet when you're alone scared and feel hopeless. None of it matters all that you see feel is the never ending pain and hate.

Someone it will get better someday you will see beyond the pain you will find happiness. You have to hold on though and keep fighting. No one reached Taylor or Shay in time. Dear God I hoped I reached Amanda in time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Liv**

They say there are moments in life that we will always remember, that are etched in our minds, hearts forever. As an NYPD Detective gunshots have become a permanent haunting sound. I hear them when I close my eyes when I am walking down the street, sometimes I feel jumpy or even sick knowing what those sounds mean.

It's one reason I see a physiologist this job can make you question why we even exist if it's just to cause each other more pain more suffering. There's only so much I can do to help so many kids who are in need of saving.

Badass Benson I know they call me that I hear their whispers, I feel their stares. I can't ever say I had a problem with that nickname, it allures that I have this super confident indestructible fierceness.

Right now though I didn't feel so confident or powerful my swagger was gone sitting on my officers chest. Her shirt ripped open blood pouring out from the 11 inch bullet wound. Amanda's face held no color her eyes open yet blank void of emotion color life. Come on Rollins don't do this to me. All around me our colleagues were fighting against every odd to save her life. Even when she valued it so little we all saw the potential the greatness that her loss would mean to this whole city.

Miguel Hernandez 45 who has been one of station 13th highest ranked paramedics for over thirteen years was currently working on attaching her to every monitor. Amanda's chest was barely moving gasping for what little air she was receiving. I was doing everything I could to stop the bleeding. Yet nothing was working blood had already soaked my pants, arms, shirt hands.

People see gunshot wounds on TV everyday they think that as soon as someone gets shot they die instantly. That's not the case the truth is unless you get shot in the head most people die slowly painfully. In cases like Amanda's where she shot herself at point blank range through her chest the bullet has entered her chest cavity shattering open her bone. It's basically like an explosion.

I always think I've seen it all that this won't effect me at all part of the job is too build a Resistance a personal distance. You see people at their most vulnerable their weakest when their lives safety and security have been tested shattered. You try not to lose yourself lose prescriptive you don't get too close. Sometimes though there are cases that hit home that are just too damn personal to keep that distance. This wasn't just any case this was personal. " _Come on Amanda don't do this!_ _Can you open you're eyes?"_

Miguel had started a needle decompression what this means is a large bore needle 14 gauge is inserted between the ribs and the air is allowed to escape.Even though we got there seconds after she shot herself in the six minutes it took for the paramedics to arrive the ten it took to stabilize her load her up into the ambulance, her body had already started to suffer the effects of low oxygen hypoxia. Miguel quickly hooked up

16 gauge IV of normal saline to keep her blood pressure above 90 systolic, to keep fluid going through her administer pain medication.

Loud beeping filled their ambulance my eyes picked up almost as fast as my heartbeat. " _She's crashing_ _blood pressure is_ _below 60 she's going into shock_ _we're losing her!"_ Miguel shouted his hands pulling me off in one swift motion. It all happened so damn fast one minute my hands were on her chest holding back her most precious asset her blood supply. _"_ _Start CPR Liv now!"_ I've done this a million times yet nothing can prepare you for doing a life saving procedure on someone you love. Checking her airways I saw no breaths being taken color was cyanotic [blue], no response form her pupils no pulse. Counting to ten I pushed on her chest Miguel breathed into her mouth.

No respiration came back her skin was cold clammy. To say I was scared would be an understatement but I stayed focus I had to treat her like any victim focus on what needed to be done. Miguel and I kept CPR going for at least three minutes switching back and forth as my lips connected with hers I could feel how cold they were this wasn't right. Amanda was always so warm " _Liv this isn't working we're losing her I'm attaching the Pads prepare for shock"_

Miguel worked fast attaching the pads to Amanda's chest, Stomach sides. Grabbing the defibrillator which took over form there. " _Come on Amanda sweetheart stay with me you can do this come back to me I can't lose you baby"_ Her hand just felt so limp tears sprang to my eyes. " _Analyzing heart rhythm do not touch patient"_ The electronic voice brought me back to life as Miguel prepared to shock her _"Shock advised charging_ " _"Liv clear!"_

Miguel shouted for me to move off of her the suddenness of it caused me to trip slamming my butt onto the metal bench back into the metal wall _"Shock one delivered"_ gasping as I watched the machine shock her tiny body. " _It is safe to touch patient start CPR now!_ Instantly we were back to starting chest compressions breathing into her. There is no feeling like holding someone's life in you're hands there's a rush and a terror at the same time only added when it's someone you love.

" _We got her back Liv great job!"_ Miguel's voice echoed through but I felt anything expect great honestly I felt sick scared dizzy. I barely saw him intubate using a laryngoscope looking down her airway. Placing an endotracheal tube into her airway which assisted her breathing with a bag valve mask with 100% oxygen

Amanda was still unresponsive as we screeched into the ambulatory entrance of Bellevue Hospital. They whisked her into Trauma one leaving me alone covered in her blood shaking tears starting to fall down. All I could think about was how serious that wound was how the chances of her pulling through were so thin I would probably never see her alive again.

One of the nurses who works closely with the NYPD on cases Nichole came over gently taking my arm leading me to a private waiting room. " _Can I get you anything Detective Benson?"_ Feeling beyond numb I shock my head as she wrapped a blanket around me " _Are you sure perhaps a change of clothes scrubs? A water bottle?"_

I don't remember answering her just crawling into the chairs curling up in a ball feeling like my chest was going to explode. She must of left at some point I felt myself drifting off thinking of so many times Amanda and I could of become closer yet because of my own insecurities and pride we didn't.

There was the time three years ago when we were undercover at a dance club in queens I watched her dance as the music pumped and felt my heart racing. She looked beautiful but I never let myself compliment her or even see it I focused on the mission. We were playing Lesbians and she was doing everything to get me to dance with her hold her playing the part so well. Yet I just couldn't hold her I wanted to damn did I ever want to that little sparky purple dress just hugged her tightly. Her chest well if I was weaker I would've drooled and fell unconscious the way her hair caught in the neon lights. She shared with me some stories that night. How she never really trusted men because of her own dad she didn't say much about him only that he was an asshole who used her spit her out so when he got drunk one night and started beating her mama again she took his own rifle and threatened to shot him. He never came back after that she learned to be tough to depend on herself. I saw so much pain in her eyes that night I wanted to brush her hair out of her eyes kiss her eyelids tell her that she was so brave so beautiful. I couldn't though I was her Superior her mentor I couldn't risk it. Besides she would never want to be with me in that way. She had just leaned in to kiss me at least I think she did but I panicked pushing her away telling her to focus on the mission.

She slipped out of my arms looking at me with a look of hope, uncertainty and shame stumbling over herself with apologizes excuses. I felt horrible but I just couldn't open myself to her. It wasn't because I didn't like girls I did. I do I dated both genders I loved a person for who they are on the inside.

Girls like Amanda one's who live life by their own rules scare the shit out of me they have few boundaries they aren't afraid to push themselves and others.

My first girlfriend Gina Tommasi was from The Bronx she was a huge Yankee fan. She grew up in a huge Italian family one of seven brothers/ sisters. We both went to The Bronx High School of Science she was a year older than me but had stayed back in 11th grade because she partied so hard spent more time dating than studying. I met her the first day of 11th grade when I was being picked on by some of the older boys calling me a slut, asking to get a piece of my cherry pie.

They backed off quickly everyone was afraid of her they knew she did drugs, smoked on school property rode a Harley. She dated one of the toughest kids in our neighborhood Tony Magellanic he'd been in Juvie three times. I was a bit scared of her to.

Yet she helped me so I owed her. Over time I got to know her found out she was super smart just didn't care about school she had her own plans she planned to travel the world. She was an amazing pianist/ guitarist and a gymnasts. I was in awe of her. Her parents were always yelling at her telling her to be smart not dream foolishly do something with her life

She defied them when they said wear a skirt she wore the shortest mini skirt around when they said cover up she went out in a bra. She dyed her hair whatever color she wanted did any style she wanted she taught me to experiment. She pierced her body tattooed herself up she even got my name with a heart.

She was the first one to give me alcohol something I swore I'd never try because of my mom. She taught me how to have self control yet to lose myself in the feeling of not having control. Which made little sense to me yet I trusted her she got us into the clubs we were too young for.

I remember dancing in her arms feeling high even though I wasn't I remember her lips on my bare skin. I remember lights so bright they blinded me I remember the feeling of music pumping through my veins as she spun me. We laughed so much that night puffing on weed. We danced for hours night after night usually with me ending up drunk in her arms head passed out. We'd make love on beaches, in the back of cars sometimes in the bathrooms of clubs. We'd ride on her bike going so fast I thought I would fall off she taught me how to be sexy without being slutty. How to make guys jealous without being in danger.

There were other nights though ones were we weren't running wild where we'd sneak into an empty loft with a boom box and dance under the city lights.

Our shadows casting an eerie glow on the streets below our feet as we kissed slowly moving to our beat. She believed in me she encouraged me to follow my dreams.

There's so much pressure on kids to grow up sometimes it felt overwhelming so when we could let lose it felt amazing. She had her own band and traveled with them during the summers I went with her. I felt alive then dancing with the girl friends of the band members the groupies. The downfall was this was the late 80's when drugs were at an all time high. There were so many going around I couldn't keep track of the names street codes what they went for what they did. I begged Gina not to use I had such a bad feeling but she would laugh and say it helped her preform.

Gina died in my arms when I was seventeen from a bad trip I watched her body seize vomit coming out of her mouth chocking her. We were somewhere in Boston a city I didn't know no one would help her.

Everyone was so high so drunk I tried carrying her to a hospital but it was pitch black. I was drunk in high heals grown men were whistling at me trying to grab me as I walked along a bad neighborhood carrying her lifeless body. Thank god a cop found me and got us to the local hospital it was too late for Gina.

That cop saved my life though he didn't hold back telling me what could happen to young girls alone inhabited on the streets, he taught me the laws for drugs and drinking underage. It was a sobering reminder to me how fragile life was how I shouldn't waste my gifts.

He brought me a plane ticket home telling me he wouldn't press charges if I made him a promise to study hard graduate and make something of my life. I swore right than and there I would honor him honor Gina. I studied harder got into Sienna College and focused on making the NYPD Academy.

" _Olivia!"_

Someone was shaking me Gina? No it couldn't be could it? Where the hell was I? My head was pounding memories of Gina filled my every thought. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the lights damn they were so bright. Blinking away the tears my vision started to come into focus. Right I was in the waiting room of Belleuve Hospital Fin's face was staring at me filed with Concern. Why were we here? He helped me sit up my hands felt so cold and sticky what was on them? Fin tried to stop me but I saw them glisten from the corner of my eyes. Blood! Gina's blood no wait she didn't bleed. Who's blood?

" _Thank god there you two are!"_

" _Fin you know not to tear off like that! Where's Rollins? Is she okay?"_

A.D.A Rafael Barba came racing in Rollins/ Amanda oh god it all came crashing down on me a scream I didn't even know I had in me released. Fin's arms were suddenly around me holding me rocking me as the pain frustration fear and anger came pouring out. I felt his lips on my head softly telling me to let it out it was okay to not be okay. I have no idea how long I broke down for but when I felt myself coming back down. I was in his arms head in his lap as he stroked my hair. Carisi, Rafael, Dobbs were surrounding me as I sat up still in shock. I could see half the NYPD department were outside standing tall hats bent down. Wait why were their hats off? What did I miss? Standing up so fast I almost passed out Fin grabbed me.

" _Rollins? Where is she?"_

Fin rubbed my hand pulling me close as he stood by me as well as Carisi. " _Rollins is still in the E.R no word yet she is going to be okay Liv she's strong she's a fighter she has you on her side"_

Was that really a good thing? What good did I do to her so far? She was in there fighting for her life because I missed the signs because I wasn't strong enough to stop her just like I couldn't save Gina.

" _Family for d_ _etective Amanda Rollins?"_

The Doctor arrived covered in blood her blood my own blood froze as my mouth/ brain ceased to form words.


	6. Chapter 6

**Liv**

" _Family for Amanda Rollins_

" _I'm looking for a Detective Benson?"_

Rising to meet the young Doctor I felt my whole body going into a state of numbness as I held my hand out for her to shake.

" _That's me Doctor how is she?"_

" _Nice to meet you Lieutenant_

 _Wish it was under better circumstances_

 _I'm Dr. Scarlett Sacramento let's talk in private"_

Oh god that couldn't be good Doctors never told you good news in private my legs were shaking so bad. I forced myself to keep it together everyone was looking to me. Deep breath Benson pull yourself straight your the leader damn it you can't show weakness. Not when one of your members is fighting for their life. Slowly I exhaled following her out of the now not so private waiting room filled past capacity with NYPD's finest. All bowed their head to me as I walked past. Smiling I gave them a slight salute.

Fin and Carisi, Dobbs all followed closely behind it seemed to take forever for us to reach the room, really it was just a few seconds. She closed the door behind us as we sat down. Please just tell us this waiting was torture. Clearing her throat she wasted no extra time getting straight to the point.

" _I won't sugar coat it we're all professionals here you've seen the worst humanity has to offer we all know the damage bullets can do"_

I saw Deputy Cheif William Dodds eyes glaze over as he remembered his son Michael who was shot last year. Seeing those images again made me sick that was all on me as well. Squeezing my hand Fin smiled at me yet I could see the fear in his eyes as well.

" _Detective Rollins suffered a GSW chest injury the bullet went in through her chest wall punctuated her right lung_ _going through her left_ _which caused_ _her chest_ _to fill with blood_ _a condition known as_ _tension pneumothorax. This is a life-threatening emergency because the chest keeps filling with air, which is pushing on the lung, and the air has no way to escape._ _W_ _e cracked her chest packed it off rushing her to_ _thoracic_ _surgery to try to stop the bleeding._ _However there was no way to repair the damage done to her lungs."_ My heart actually squeezed so hard I thought I would die of a heart attack right there and then what was she trying to say?

" _I'm not pulling any punches here Liv the reality is Detective Rollins her injury was fatal"_ There wasn't one of us sitting in this room that didn't let out an audible gasp. Feeling her hand on mine however stopped me from completely breaking down even though my whole body seemed to enter another dimension. I hear her talking yet I also heard my own heart beating going so fast I felt dizzy, sweaty sick, I couldn't get past those words " _her injury was fatal"_ " _Liv are you with us?"_ Fin's voice pulled me back shaking my head I nodded not able to form any words. _"However she must have someone watching over her just as we discovered that we couldn't repair her injury we learned that we also had a lung donor the organs had only been out of the body for two hours and of course were preserved as we tested the recipient_ _who was being prepped for surgery_ _ultimately her creatinine levels were too high we had lungs and Detective Rollins became the candidate in the most dire need for the transplant"_

" _Forgive me Doctor but aren't there guidelines for transplants?"_ Why was Dobbs asking this? Dr. Sacramento sighed " _Yes there are we base them on a number of factors including blood and tissue typing medical need time on the waiting list geographical location_ _and HLA match Detective Rollins did very well in cross matching and as I said she was in critical need, taking that into account we also believed not only would she benefit from the transplant but so would the community. She's an asset to us she risks her life everyday we need more people like her in this world."_

She squeezed my hand as I held back the tears of gratitude thankful she was alive. I knew she was still talking so I tried to focus. " _The bullet_ _cracked two ribs_ _traveled to her abdomen causing her spleen to erupt_ _she lost 6 units of blood_ _leading to Hemorrhagic shock were giving her blood transfusions as we speak now as well as dopamine to increase her blood pressure."_

" _We found the bullet lodged into her spleen which we were able to remove,_ _Rollins came through surgery but just barely she arrested twice, she's been placed on an_ _automatic ventilator to assist her breathing_ _which we will ween her off as soon as her heart starts pumping normally once her blood loss in replaced_ _"_

" _Due to the arrest however Detective Rollins suffered a lack of oxygen to her brain for too long she's has slipped into a coma"_

My head was swimming with so much information I could see every single person was feeling the gravity of this situation as well. There were so many questions filling my head right now but I couldn't find the words. All I could think about was my poor Rollins laying on some table with her chest cracked open.

" _Dr. Sacramento what are her chances of pulling through?"_ My eyes rose to see how Chief Dobbs asked the question so matter of factually.

I felt Fin squeeze my hand again as I braced myself for the answer. Which I really didn't want to hear all I wanted was to see her hold her hand kiss her face. " _I can't give you a number all I can say is if she has any family I would suggest calling them and pray"_

" _What is her number on the glasgow scale?"_ I heard Fin ask the question I was still trying to form, again I felt my breath intake. The lower the number the less chance she had of coming through this. Doctors measure the level of consciousness in a person based on a scale of 3-15 it's based on three parameters Best Eye Response, Verbal, Motor. " _Right now Detective Rollins is registering on a one for eye, a one for verbal & for motor she's on a 4" _So that put her at a 7 my heart couldn't take this. " _Again remember that over the next few days we expect her to improve greatly as her blood supply is replenished"_

" _Can I see her please?"_ My voice sounded surprisingly calm nothing close to how I was feeling. " _Of course Detective Benson but only one at a time no more than 15 minutes she needs rest"_ I practically jumped up following her I felt Fin grab my hand looking down to him. " _Give her my love Liv tell her I'll kick her ass if she dies on me"_ Flashing him a smile back I nodded. Stay strong Liv stay strong the walk seemed to take forever following her down the hall we turned a few times, got into an elevator which we rode to the second floor going to the west wing. My heals clicked against the floor passing the nursing unit we stopped at the fifth cubical. I let out the deep breath I had been holding I wasn't ready for this. I didn't want to see her lying there helpless attached to machines.

" _I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Detective Rollins won't look the same as when you saw her last, she's satiated heavily attached to machines which are keeping her alive right now you can talk to her she may have reflects her eyes may open her hands may jerk but she is in a coma, she can't answer back, she may hear you so try to remain calm encouraging just remind her she is loved and needed here"_

I was thankful when she stopped talking and let me in. I've seen so many people in the ICU before but this took my breath away. Amanda lay on the bed with a ventilator strapped over mouth the **Endotrachea** **tube going down** her throat. Oxygen tube under her nose, chest tubes going in and out of her sides IV's in her arms, hands, **Pulse oximete** on her finger a catheter strung up her leg, units of blood, saline, domphine were hung dripping into her veins. Going over to her I carefully took her hand into mine.

Raising it to my lips pressing gently so I wouldn't hurt her tears rolled down my eyes. _"Rollins sweetheart it's Liv I need you to wake up you know how I hate it when you are late for work"_ Stroking her hair I pulled a chair over she just looked asleep.

" _Amanda I know I haven't been a great friend to you hell I've been a pretty awful person to you, I don't even know why sweetie you did nothing wrong love it's all me Manda I am so sorry please if you can hear me know how important you are to all of us, I promise I will be there for you Amanda just give me another chance"_

A sudden drop in her vitals caused me to tear my eyes off her looking directly at the monitors as the room became a blur of activity.

Hands grabbing me shoving me aside voices shouting. _"Vitals dropping_ _Order a chest scan! Stat! Ma'am you can't be in here!"_

Just like that I was shut out the cubical doors slammed in my face as doctors and medical care professionals fought to help save Amanda's life. I just hoped with all my heart Amanda fought along side of them.

Leading myself out of the ICU my heart acing mind filled with confusion I somehow found my way back to where half the NYPD was still gathering. To most of these officers it was just a routine call a standard procedure whenever that call went out 10-13 officer down need assistant.

They were here out of courtesy respect sipping coffee as they chatted amongst themselves waiting for news so they could come up offer their condolences support. I'm sure most of them meant it to yet I also knew the drill as much as it would effect them knowing the simple truth that this could be any one of them, I also knew that when they would leave here they'd forget about the officer inside they would go to a bar order a drink have a laugh with friends and be grateful it wasn't them in that hospital. There would even be a few that would make comments about the fact she did this to herself she was a coward. Let any one of them say it to my face they'd never walk out of here alive.

As soon as everyone saw me it got quiet muffled coughs clearing of throats shuffling of feet. Quick glances to one another no one wanted to come forward, Fin was the elected one coming over to take my arm. " _How is she?"_ How was I suppose to know how to answer them? I didn't even know what was going on with her. Feeling Fin wrap his arms around me I relaxed into his touch. Shivering a little just becoming aware of the fact I was still in my blood soaked clothes. _"Liv what happened?"_

I honestly had no idea how to answer him. I was so numb right now I felt paralyzed like I couldn't breathe, think or move. " _Liv"_ I know they wanted an answer they deserved one I just didn't have one. " _Liv"_ I should know the voice calling to me it wasn't Fin or Carisi yet I couldn't place it. " _Liv?"_

I was moving I don't know where I was moving to yet I found myself by the big bay window overlooking Washington Square Park which like any day was packed with cyclists joggers, dog walkers people on lunch reading the papers playing ball or just enjoying the view that NYC has to offer.

Shivering again I wrapped my arms around myself my eyes landing on a young power couple enjoying a sandwich cup of coffee and a stroll in the park. God that could be Amanda and I the older lady looked just slightly younger than I am her smile was one of pure happiness as she leaned in to kiss her younger colleague who's smile seemed to radiant that of even the brilliant sun.

I couldn't stop staring all I saw was her smile the way she pushed back her blond hair looked down blushing how adorable her checks looked flushed with color. " _Liv"_ That voice again shaking me abruptly out of my thoughts blinking back tears. The girl wasn't Amanda get it together Liv. Turning around as I took in than let out a deep breath. I was startled to see Tucker there now staring at me concerned.

Just like that I was back I had no time to feel sorry for myself I had a squad to lead I had to be strong no matter how much I wanted to crumble. I couldn't I had to rise up stand tall and lead. Fin looked straight to Carsi who looked to Tucker who seemed to take the lead coming towards me. I couldn't have that though I side stepped him clearing my throat.

" _Sorry guys just got a little caught up something happened when I was with Amanda I don't know what the staff kicked me out. Her monitors went off their working on her all we can do is wait and see, I don't think she'll be able to have any more visitors tonight though so it's best if you went home"_

" _Liv I don't think any of us will be able to sleep tonight"_ Fin tried unsuccessfully to change my mind. " _With all due respect Fin this isn't a suggestion it's an order I know you're all concerned, scared, confused believe me I am to but we still have a department to run victims who depend on us. We're already short staffed now with Rollins here we need all the energy we can get so I am telling you go home, shower sleep, be back at the station by 8 am, hopefully I'll have some new for you"_

They didn't want to leave I knew it yet they knew better than to try to argue Fin squeezed my shoulder as Carisi nodded. It wasn't long till the rest cleared out leaving just Tucker and I. Still I kept my distance staring out the window the couple were gone now sighing I wished the cold chill would leave me. " _Liv"_ Why didn't he take the hint damn it? Again he was getting closer no point in fighting it I guess.

I was starting to feel unsteady I knew I needed someone, the problem was he wasn't who I needed he wasn't even who I wanted to need. " _Liv you should go home change shower get some sleep follow you're own advice"_ Turning to Ed I smiled he was so sweet really I know he cared. " _"Thanks Ed but my place is right here with Rollins she's my detective she has no family she's in trouble" "It's not you're job to save her" "No it is my job to protect her I failed her, I didn't see the signs I'm an SVU detective and I missed the clues, I won't fail her now, go home Ed hug Noah tell him Mommy misses him she loves she'll be home soon she's just helping out a friend"_

He came closer wrapping his arms around me I let him hold me tight yet my eyes lingered down the hall to the doors of the ICU where life and death battles were fought and lost everyday.

What would be the out come of Amanda's?


	7. Chapter 7

**Liv**

" _Family for Amanda Rollins_

" _I'm looking for a Detective Benson?"_

Rising to meet the young Doctor I felt my whole body going into a state of numbness as I held my hand out for her to shake.

" _That's me Doctor how is she?"_

" _Nice to meet you Lieutenant_

 _Wish it was under better circumstances_

 _I'm Dr. Scarlett Sacramento let's talk in private"_

Oh god that couldn't be good Doctors never told you good news in private my legs were shaking so bad. I forced myself to keep it together everyone was looking to me. Deep breath Benson pull yourself straight your the leader damn it you can't show weakness. Not when one of your members is fighting for their life. Slowly I exhaled following her out of the now not so private waiting room filled past capacity with NYPD's finest. All bowed their head to me as I walked past. Smiling I gave them a slight salute.

Fin and Carisi, Dobbs all followed closely behind it seemed to take forever for us to reach the room, really it was just a few seconds. She closed the door behind us as we sat down. Please just tell us this waiting was torture. Clearing her throat she wasted no extra time getting straight to the point.

" _I won't sugar coat it we're all professionals here you've seen the worst humanity has to offer we all know the damage bullets can do"_

I saw Deputy Cheif William Dodds eyes glaze over as he remembered his son Michael who was shot last year. Seeing those images again made me sick that was all on me as well. Squeezing my hand Fin smiled at me yet I could see the fear in his eyes as well.

" _Detective Rollins suffered a GSW chest injury the bullet went in through her chest wall punctuated her right lung_ _going through her left_ _which caused_ _her chest_ _to fill with blood_ _a condition known as_ _tension pneumothorax. This is a life-threatening emergency because the chest keeps filling with air, which is pushing on the lung, and the air has no way to escape._ _W_ _e cracked her chest packed it off rushing her to_ _thoracic_ _surgery to try to stop the bleeding._ _However there was no way to repair the damage done to her lungs."_ My heart actually squeezed so hard I thought I would die of a heart attack right there and then what was she trying to say?

" _I'm not pulling any punches here Liv the reality is Detective Rollins her injury was fatal"_ There wasn't one of us sitting in this room that didn't let out an audible gasp. Feeling her hand on mine however stopped me from completely breaking down even though my whole body seemed to enter another dimension. I hear her talking yet I also heard my own heart beating going so fast I felt dizzy, sweaty sick, I couldn't get past those words " _her injury was fatal"_ " _Liv are you with us?"_ Fin's voice pulled me back shaking my head I nodded not able to form any words. _"However she must have someone watching over her just as we discovered that we couldn't repair her injury we learned that we also had a lung donor the organs had only been out of the body for two hours and of course were preserved as we tested the recipient_ _who was being prepped for surgery_ _ultimately her creatinine levels were too high we had lungs and Detective Rollins became the candidate in the most dire need for the transplant"_

" _Forgive me Doctor but aren't there guidelines for transplants?"_ Why was Dobbs asking this? Dr. Sacramento sighed " _Yes there are we base them on a number of factors including blood and tissue typing medical need time on the waiting list geographical location_ _and HLA match Detective Rollins did very well in cross matching and as I said she was in critical need, taking that into account we also believed not only would she benefit from the transplant but so would the community. She's an asset to us she risks her life everyday we need more people like her in this world."_

She squeezed my hand as I held back the tears of gratitude thankful she was alive. I knew she was still talking so I tried to focus. " _The bullet_ _cracked two ribs_ _traveled to her abdomen causing her spleen to erupt_ _she lost 6 units of blood_ _leading to Hemorrhagic shock were giving her blood transfusions as we speak now as well as dopamine to increase her blood pressure."_

" _We found the bullet lodged into her spleen which we were able to remove,_ _Rollins came through surgery but just barely she arrested twice, she's been placed on an_ _automatic ventilator to assist her breathing_ _which we will ween her off as soon as her heart starts pumping normally once her blood loss in replaced_ _"_

" _Due to the arrest however Detective Rollins suffered a lack of oxygen to her brain for too long she's has slipped into a coma"_

My head was swimming with so much information I could see every single person was feeling the gravity of this situation as well. There were so many questions filling my head right now but I couldn't find the words. All I could think about was my poor Rollins laying on some table with her chest cracked open.

" _Dr. Sacramento what are her chances of pulling through?"_ My eyes rose to see how Chief Dobbs asked the question so matter of factually.

I felt Fin squeeze my hand again as I braced myself for the answer. Which I really didn't want to hear all I wanted was to see her hold her hand kiss her face. " _I can't give you a number all I can say is if she has any family I would suggest calling them and pray"_

" _What is her number on the glasgow scale?"_ I heard Fin ask the question I was still trying to form, again I felt my breath intake. The lower the number the less chance she had of coming through this. Doctors measure the level of consciousness in a person based on a scale of 3-15 it's based on three parameters Best Eye Response, Verbal, Motor. " _Right now Detective Rollins is registering on a one for eye, a one for verbal & for motor she's on a 4" _So that put her at a 7 my heart couldn't take this. " _Again remember that over the next few days we expect her to improve greatly as her blood supply is replenished"_

" _Can I see her please?"_ My voice sounded surprisingly calm nothing close to how I was feeling. " _Of course Detective Benson but only one at a time no more than 15 minutes she needs rest"_ I practically jumped up following her I felt Fin grab my hand looking down to him. " _Give her my love Liv tell her I'll kick her ass if she dies on me"_ Flashing him a smile back I nodded. Stay strong Liv stay strong the walk seemed to take forever following her down the hall we turned a few times, got into an elevator which we rode to the second floor going to the west wing. My heals clicked against the floor passing the nursing unit we stopped at the fifth cubical. I let out the deep breath I had been holding I wasn't ready for this. I didn't want to see her lying there helpless attached to machines.

" _I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Detective Rollins won't look the same as when you saw her last, she's satiated heavily attached to machines which are keeping her alive right now you can talk to her she may have reflects her eyes may open her hands may jerk but she is in a coma, she can't answer back, she may hear you so try to remain calm encouraging just remind her she is loved and needed here"_

I was thankful when she stopped talking and let me in. I've seen so many people in the ICU before but this took my breath away. Amanda lay on the bed with a ventilator strapped over mouth the **Endotrachea** **tube going down** her throat. Oxygen tube under her nose, chest tubes going in and out of her sides IV's in her arms, hands, **Pulse oximete** on her finger a catheter strung up her leg, units of blood, saline, domphine were hung dripping into her veins. Going over to her I carefully took her hand into mine.

Raising it to my lips pressing gently so I wouldn't hurt her tears rolled down my eyes. _"Rollins sweetheart it's Liv I need you to wake up you know how I hate it when you are late for work"_ Stroking her hair I pulled a chair over she just looked asleep.

" _Amanda I know I haven't been a great friend to you hell I've been a pretty awful person to you, I don't even know why sweetie you did nothing wrong love it's all me Manda I am so sorry please if you can hear me know how important you are to all of us, I promise I will be there for you Amanda just give me another chance"_

A sudden drop in her vitals caused me to tear my eyes off her looking directly at the monitors as the room became a blur of activity.

Hands grabbing me shoving me aside voices shouting. _"Vitals dropping_ _Order a chest scan! Stat! Ma'am you can't be in here!"_

Just like that I was shut out the cubical doors slammed in my face as doctors and medical care professionals fought to help save Amanda's life. I just hoped with all my heart Amanda fought along side of them.

Leading myself out of the ICU my heart acing mind filled with confusion I somehow found my way back to where half the NYPD was still gathering. To most of these officers it was just a routine call a standard procedure whenever that call went out 10-13 officer down need assistant.

They were here out of courtesy respect sipping coffee as they chatted amongst themselves waiting for news so they could come up offer their condolences support. I'm sure most of them meant it to yet I also knew the drill as much as it would effect them knowing the simple truth that this could be any one of them, I also knew that when they would leave here they'd forget about the officer inside they would go to a bar order a drink have a laugh with friends and be grateful it wasn't them in that hospital. There would even be a few that would make comments about the fact she did this to herself she was a coward. Let any one of them say it to my face they'd never walk out of here alive.

As soon as everyone saw me it got quiet muffled coughs clearing of throats shuffling of feet. Quick glances to one another no one wanted to come forward, Fin was the elected one coming over to take my arm. " _How is she?"_ How was I suppose to know how to answer them? I didn't even know what was going on with her. Feeling Fin wrap his arms around me I relaxed into his touch. Shivering a little just becoming aware of the fact I was still in my blood soaked clothes. _"Liv what happened?"_

I honestly had no idea how to answer him. I was so numb right now I felt paralyzed like I couldn't breathe, think or move. " _Liv"_ I know they wanted an answer they deserved one I just didn't have one. " _Liv"_ I should know the voice calling to me it wasn't Fin or Carisi yet I couldn't place it. " _Liv?"_

I was moving I don't know where I was moving to yet I found myself by the big bay window overlooking Washington Square Park which like any day was packed with cyclists joggers, dog walkers people on lunch reading the papers playing ball or just enjoying the view that NYC has to offer.

Shivering again I wrapped my arms around myself my eyes landing on a young power couple enjoying a sandwich cup of coffee and a stroll in the park. God that could be Amanda and I the older lady looked just slightly younger than I am her smile was one of pure happiness as she leaned in to kiss her younger colleague who's smile seemed to radiant that of even the brilliant sun.

I couldn't stop staring all I saw was her smile the way she pushed back her blond hair looked down blushing how adorable her checks looked flushed with color. " _Liv"_ That voice again shaking me abruptly out of my thoughts blinking back tears. The girl wasn't Amanda get it together Liv. Turning around as I took in than let out a deep breath. I was startled to see Tucker there now staring at me concerned.

Just like that I was back I had no time to feel sorry for myself I had a squad to lead I had to be strong no matter how much I wanted to crumble. I couldn't I had to rise up stand tall and lead. Fin looked straight to Carsi who looked to Tucker who seemed to take the lead coming towards me. I couldn't have that though I side stepped him clearing my throat.

" _Sorry guys just got a little caught up something happened when I was with Amanda I don't know what the staff kicked me out. Her monitors went off their working on her all we can do is wait and see, I don't think she'll be able to have any more visitors tonight though so it's best if you went home"_

" _Liv I don't think any of us will be able to sleep tonight"_ Fin tried unsuccessfully to change my mind. " _With all due respect Fin this isn't a suggestion it's an order I know you're all concerned, scared, confused believe me I am to but we still have a department to run victims who depend on us. We're already short staffed now with Rollins here we need all the energy we can get so I am telling you go home, shower sleep, be back at the station by 8 am, hopefully I'll have some new for you"_

They didn't want to leave I knew it yet they knew better than to try to argue Fin squeezed my shoulder as Carisi nodded. It wasn't long till the rest cleared out leaving just Tucker and I. Still I kept my distance staring out the window the couple were gone now sighing I wished the cold chill would leave me. " _Liv"_ Why didn't he take the hint damn it? Again he was getting closer no point in fighting it I guess.

I was starting to feel unsteady I knew I needed someone, the problem was he wasn't who I needed he wasn't even who I wanted to need. " _Liv you should go home change shower get some sleep follow you're own advice"_ Turning to Ed I smiled he was so sweet really I know he cared. " _"Thanks Ed but my place is right here with Rollins she's my detective she has no family she's in trouble" "It's not you're job to save her" "No it is my job to protect her I failed her, I didn't see the signs I'm an SVU detective and I missed the clues, I won't fail her now, go home Ed hug Noah tell him Mommy misses him she loves she'll be home soon she's just helping out a friend"_

He came closer wrapping his arms around me I let him hold me tight yet my eyes lingered down the hall to the doors of the ICU where life and death battles were fought and lost everyday.

What would be the out come of Amanda's?


	8. Chapter 8

**Liv**

" _You blame yourself don't you? You feel like you failed her some how?"_

I wasn't in the mood for this who the hell called my therapist Dr. Lindstrom? I would kill them. Pacing back and forth in the waiting room, I couldn't shake him he knew me to well. Was there any harm in admitting it? I mean the whole squad knew I pretty much said it.

" _Alright yes I blame myself I am her superior I should of seen it, she's been a wreck for a long time, I ignored it I should of pulled her aside I should of helped her instead of always yelling at her threating her, I should of showed some compassion"_

" _From everything you've told me about Detective Rollins Liv it doesn't sound to me like she'd want compassion or help, if you had tried she probably would of accused you of being too soft of given her special treatment, treating her like a victim"_

" _She was a victim She's been one for god only know how long her mom was never any good, she rarely talks about her dad yet I get the sense he was a piece of shit, her sister she's criminally insane, her boss in ATL raped her abused his power over her, the whole squad turned their backs on her she's learned not to trust anyone, she's never had any real friend. She's looked up to me for years before I even met her, I handled it all wrong"_

" _How did you handle it wrong?"_

" _I turned my back on her she tried to reach out to me years ago when we first met I was so cold to her"_ hugging my arms to myself I turned away from his piercing eyes looking out again at the park now covered by a sheet of darkness. " _She was trying to tell me someone had hurt her someone on the job yet I never made any real effort to find out to show I cared"_

" _You had a lot going on at the time Liv"_

" _It's no excuse to be a total bitch to someone she was new to NYC she had no family out here no friends, I know what that's like it's scary plus being an an almost male work force females we should be sticking together lifting each other up yet we're always trying to tear each other down. I accepted Amaro_ _I just don't understand why I didn't give her half the chance"_

" _Maybe you're scared"_

" _Scared? Of what?"_

" _Getting hurt possibly"_

" _Amanda represent something you never had"_

" _What's that Doc?"_

" _Female friends you're so use to being the big badass Benson the lone female detective in SVU the hero of the fallen, maybe you were scared to let her in to get to know her scared she'd take over you're role, scared she'd see that you're not this big badass super hero role you let yourself be portrayed as. Scared that you would fall to like her maybe even to love her than something would happen, something or someone would rip you two apart and you'd be alone and scared again"_

I was speechless I admit it how did he see through me? How did he do that? I opened my mouth to protest staring at him. Yet no words came out. He took pleasure in this never physically moving yet his eyes followed me as I moved away from the window still far from him yet closer than before. He kept talking as I tried to sort it all out in my head.

" _When was the last time you had a female friend?"_

The way he said it made it seem Innocent yet I sensed he wanted to apply more. I thought back to it there was Alex, yet we never really crossed the line past work friends. I had to really think about it.

" _I was seven I guess maybe eight Mom was drunk stumbling screaming at me to get outside make some friends Olivia she said stop being such a lonely miserable pain in the ass child, so I went outside it was so cold mid December, I had no coat she kicked me out so fast I had no time to grab it. I wandered around the Bronx for hours barefoot till I came to_ _Van Cortlandt Park._

Thinking back to that time I could still hear the noise of traffic the honking of cars as my little frozen child feet scurried across the busy streets. I have no clue how I didn't get hit by any car or trucks hell even a buss. Even in winter NYC never slept I remember the cold god I thought I would die. I never cried though I just kept going. No animals not even a bird were out, the park was so quiet than. A few people on bikes a few joggers but the fresh snow made it hard for anyone to stay out longer than necessary.

" _I_ _don't know how long I walked but at some point I came across a playground the equipment was pretty useless frozen."_

" _I felt something hit my back almost lost my balance when I looked up there was a girl around my age holding a snowball, she laughed pelting me again, it hurt so bad, I couldn't say anything though. I seemed to have lost all movement speech, everything was frozen"_

" _That sounds horrible"_

I shrug I wasn't one to feel sorry for myself so I got up feeling restless once again I went to stare out the window.

" _What was her name?"_

Closing my eyes I could see it all before me her dark brown braided pig tails her toothless grin that pink over-sized over glittered jacket. Her laugh still echoed in my ears. The look in her eyes as she wanted to smash my face with that cold perfectly rounded snowball which I'm pretty sure was a mixture of ice.

" _Her name was Grace it didn't suit her she was anything but graceful she was a little bitch really, she would of done it to I had no doubt expect her best friend Monica saved me she pushed me down, told me_ _were_ _the good cop_ _s,_ _Grace was the bad guy we had team up take her down. She had the laugh of an angel_ _she took my hand it was hard to run on ice, snow yet she mad me laugh she was so fast gathering the snow she packed it so tight. We ducked behind tresses, benches, statutes. At one point she even gave me her jacket and fished an extra pair of shoes out of her backpack."_

" _She invited me back to her house for hot chocolate and home made cookies, her mom was so sweet. She took me in like one of her own_ _treated me to dinner we played for hours in her room, she let me change my clothes which were wet from snow."_

" _How long were you friends for?"_

" _Till I was around 11"_

" _What happened?"_

" _We were growing up liking different things drugs were big in the bornx in the 80's she started hanging with this gang of girls who did drugs smoked. She told me if I didn't start doing the things she liked we couldn't be friends so I tried smoking it was so nasty"_

" _She ended the friendship just like that?"_

" _Yeah said I was too much of a goody two shoes"_

" _I bet that hurt Olivia?"_

" _Well it didn't feel good Doc"_

" _Did you have any friends after her?"_

" _No I was a total recluse who shut herself off wore hoods and muttered bible verses"_

He gave a slight chuckle yet I knew he wouldn't let me off that easy. Why was he even asking about this? We weren't here because I had a mental breakdown. Amanda was the one in ICU. We should focus on her not my own messed up story.

" _I was 12 when I met Rachel she was a qui_ _et_ _girl like me book smart kind of nerdy we met in our debate class, neither of us dressed in designer names we liked school better than current trends. I mean we weren't best friends but we sat together at lunch studied after school we talked sometimes went to a movie or a museum. She was really into church so we went every Sunday to Sunday school and mass. We went so often we got asked to help teach the class which was pretty fun._ _I was never big into religion until her yet she showed me how good it felt to pray."_

" _She sounds pretty special to you"_

" _Yeah she was we were friends till we were 14 than she got an offer to attend a missionary exploitation, she never said goodbye she just left one night, I found out from her sister Kelli"_

" _How did that make you feel Olivia?"_

" _Like crap like I wasn't worth even the time to say goodbye or I'll miss you I felt abandoned used, it hurt so bad I cried everyday for months, Mom told me to get over it grow up she never gave a damn that my heart was broken, that I was left alone in the halls where I was teased mercilessly, that I sat alone at lunch reading while all the other girls huddled together giggling at the cute boy or gossiping about the latest TV show h_ _i_ _t song."_

" _I thought there was something wrong with me I stopped eating for awhile figured maybe I was too fat didn't make a difference to me I mean we had no food at home anyway. I started acting out staying out late trying to pick up boys at Yankee Stadium got into some trouble"_

" _Why are you smiling Olivia?"_

" _Cause I thought of Gina"_

" _Tell me about Gina who was she? She seems to mean a lot to you"_

Biting my lip I looked away did I tell him? Might as well he listened never interrupting my story just spilled out.

" _You've been hurt pretty bad Liv it's no wonder you never gave yourself a chance to get close to Rollins you figured she'd just leave you like Rachel or Monica or worse yet being a cop she would get hurt on the job and leave you like Gina, I can see in your eyes Liv all the pain guilt shame regret"_

He was now kneeling in front of me how I even got to the seat I have no idea my whole body felt weak like I just couldn't hold myself up anymore. Taking my hands he smiled at me.

" _You have to let go of all this guilt Liv not everything is your fault Gina took those drugs she signed her own death. Rachel made a choice yes you broke down guess what your allowed to have your own feelings, you were young you were in pain you acted out it's okay"_

" _You stood up for what you believed you fought for what you thought was right with Monica you are strong you hold fast to your convictions there's no shame in that. We can't change the past Liv we can only change this moment we can make better choices based on what we know from our past. Start with forgiving yourself and admitting how you feel about Amanda you want to be friends, maybe even more"_

My body froze what was he talking about? I never said I felt anything more towards Amanda. How could he know? My whole breath sucked in my chest hurt my head pounded.

" _It's okay Liv whatever you say stays between us"_

" _Yes I might feel more towards Amanda but it can't happen I am her LT her commanding officer I'd lose my job she could get transferred. We can't ever be"_

" _Maybe not but it doesn't change your feelings or the fact you blame yourself for her state of mind, you can't change how she feels she's had a rough life, she made a split second decision that effected you more than you even want to admit."_

" _Lieutenant Benson?"_ Looking up I saw her doctor waiting for me. Turning to Dr. Lindstrom he smiled nodding for me to go.

I followed her to the hall she looked tired yet I couldn't read her face. Swallowing I braced myself for whatever she would say next.

" _Sorry to keep you waiting Liv Detective Rollins_ _spiked a fever she had a_ _pulmonary embolism we've started her on_ _Heparin_ _were packing her with ice to lower her fever_ _but we also_ _may have_ _to take her into Surgery"_

" _Surgery isn't that too soon after her last one? How is she suppose to recover? Her body is still in critical condition you said so yourself"_

" _Yes I did and your right it is soon I don't want to take her in but since she can't take the oral supplements to help correct the clot if she's left untreated she_ _can develop chronic pulmonary hypertension, which would be fatal to her in her weakened state"_

" _We all do right now all we can do is wait_ _hope the Heparin works"_

" _May I see her?"_ I could see by the look on her face she didn't want to let me in there but my whole body was frozen in fear. " _Please I won't disturb her I just need to hold her hand see her breathing"_ After some hesitation she slowly nodded. Breathing out a sigh of relief I hurried in not stopping to look at my therapist. My breath caught again when I saw her laying there so helpless.

Pulling over the chair once again raised her hand to my lips kissing her hand. " _Aw Amanda my sweet Amanda why? Dear God why would you do this?"_

Could she hear me? What was I suppose to say? This seemed like a nightmare to me to be stuck in bed unable to move, speak not even an eyelid. I know Amanda would have so much to say about this. She has a mouth on her she'd hate me talking to her like this yet I had no idea what to say. I do this for a living talking to people in crisis yet I can't even talk to my own detective. Dr. Lindstrom told me to admit things maybe it was time I listen.

" _Amanda I love you I am so sorry I know I haven't always been honest but maybe it's time to start, I'm not just talking love like a friend or a colleague I mean it as real as the mets and Yankee fans in the subway series. Sometimes love isn't always a straight path I feel like I am fighting a battle between my head which knows wrong from right and my heart which doesn't give a damn, I know it's wrong to love you to want to hold you kiss you touch you and god so many other things that would make your heart race. I'm your commanding officer I'm older yet I can't stop how I feel. Fuck it I don't want to stop how I feel"_

Placing her hand against my heart I wanted her to feel my love to know just how much she was killing me. Seeing her lying so helpless so hurt all because she felt so alone so unworthy of love.

" _Sometimes it's so hard to make a choice Amanda but I know that when you wake up this will be the easiest one I will ever make. I'm not letting go Rollins I am not giving up on you even if you give up on yourself. It's not happening this here is heartbreaking I will make sure everyday you know how much I love you how much I need you. How much I want you to be in my life my heart my bed, I will fight for you Amanda everyday no matter how hard it is no matter how much you push me away. There's a reason we came into each others lives Manda we just have to be strong enough to find it embrace it and love each other and ourselves"_

My eyes scanned her machines I've been through so much in my life held hostage at gun point, almost raped I survived an abusive mother, lost friends seen the worst of the worst. Yet nothing effected me like this. How someone gets so lonely they do this to themselves baffles me. How I missed the signs. Could she feel my love? Did it effect her? I looked to her screen again.

" _Can you fight for me Manda please?"_

The steady beep increased my heart raced what did it mean?


	9. Chapter 9

**Amanda**

Did she just say she loved me? No it couldn't be Rollins your dreaming. Where was I? I heard voices. Some I knew they brought me comfort when I heard them I could see where I was in a field of beauty. I imagine this is how paradise looks free flowing water walls, lush green palm tresses. It was hot as hell in here that water looked so good, I couldn't move though.

Someone kept calling to me. I swore it was Liv but I couldn't see her clearly. Did she say she loved me? It's a sweet thought just like my dreams. Oh that's it I'm dreaming! Maybe I should stay asleep for while, who'd want to wake when their dreams are sweeter than reality? When the person you long for knowing you can never have them actually says they want you they love you.

No I was good it was comfortable here even if it was too hot! Someone tell mother nature she can chill with the sunshine and warmth a little cold would do us all good every now and than. Why did Liv sound so upset though? Was she hot to? Damn mother nature I would scold her ass when I got a hold of her, no one makes my sweet Liv suffer. She sounded like she had been crying. I was just sleeping Liv wait am I late for work! Shit she would kill me! Did we catch a case? Did I blow it? Was I about to be fired? Is that why she was crying did she feel bad she'd have to can me! Damn I am such a screwup okay Rollins wake up now.

She would never love me like I love her. It's a cruel trick my mind just likes to play on me. Yet I can feel her touching me trying to wake me. Was that her lips on my hands? She's never gotten that close before. Did she kiss my hand? Oh what a lovely dream! Why why did I have to wake?

She was pouring her heart out to me, she sounded so upset. Did she just say she'd fight for me? So I was about to be fired, I couldn't be that late. Could I? Where was the damn clock in this heat bucket? Hello I'm calling from the other side anybody have a clock a watch? My eyes scanned was that a unicorn? Wait were they real?

" _You're so beautiful Amanda_

 _M_ _y beautiful broken angel_

 _You're my mortal flaw"_

Behind her hard exterior laid the heart of an angel a warrior ready to fight. Why though? Why for me? I wasn't worth it. Who pissed off Badass Benson? Let me kill them. I couldn't of pissed her off this bad could I? Everything was so confusing shadows passed by my eyes was she keeping secrets?

Did she not think I could hear her? If she knew how bad I screwed up she wouldn't fight for me. She's holding my hand though it feels so nice, so comforting like home. I'm cold now oh my god damn you mother nature now your bitch ass is raining ice on me! Why? What did I do to piss you off?

She didn't know me really why would she fight for me? Was I that good at my job? I knew I was good I worked hard to get to where I am but was I good enough to be given all these chances? It was just one side of me though the only side she knew.

She didn't know about the little girl who use to run barefoot in fields of corn and green chasing butterflies and capturing fireflies in jars laughing as her blond pix tails bounced against her sheer white tonic.

It was my sister time I would take Kim's hands we'd laugh so hard as those little wings scrapped our faces. She didn't know the little girl played with matches at night when we had no heat, when mama was drunk passed out & daddy gambling. Praying to god I didn't burn the house down at times than at other times wishing god would cast a wind so I could lite the whole place up to the skyline. She didn't know the little girl who had to steal from neighbors and farmer markets just too keep food for her little sister, going without it so Kim could eat.

Olivia could never love the little girl who came to school with a broken arm at age seven who lied to her teacher telling her she fell off the tractor at her granddaddy's farm. She would cascades me for lying to the principle when I was 11 when he asked me why my collarbone was broken, I told them I fell down the steps. She'd be repulsed by the little girl who couldn't even honor her mother because she lost respect for her by the time she was eight. When she had no clean clothes to wear for weeks because mama was on a drinking binge.

She would never be able to love that little girl in the backseat of her daddy's car wondering where god was where her dignity was. She'd never accept the choices that 14 year old girl made when she ran away to Atlanta with her boyfriend to piss off mama the same girl who let her boyfriend convince her to get the piercings on her nose or her eyebrow even though she really did it because the pain helped her forget even for just a moment.

Of course Mama ripped those piercings right out when she actually paid enough attention to notice three months later. I bleed for days yet I never cried even though the pain was so fucking bad I passed out.

She'd shake her head at the sixteen year old who was out in Atlanta dancing in short skirts halter tops in clubs she was too young to get into. Shaking her ass for grown men who were too old to be looking at her never mind buying her endless drinks she wasn't old enough to drink touching her kissing her from behind, leading her into rooms she should never be seeing, when she was lying on her back letting them do whatever they wanted because hell feeling something was better than feeling nothing, even physical pain was better than the emotional one.

She'd cry for the girl huddled in the corner ducking the fists of her mama's boyfriends when she'd intervened stopping them from hitting her mama or little sister. No one heard her screams if they did no one gave a damn back than. The fists pounding against her face, grabbing her hair yanking it so hard she felt the blood pour out of her scalp. Screaming at her reminding her what a slut she was how she was worthless, stupid fat, dirty a whore a dirty little whore who didn't deserve warmth love or protection, she fought back of course but it made them madder they hit harder kicked her in her stomach yelling to her they'd kill her if she told.

She'd be ashamed of the kid who took the blade to her own skin just to stop the hurting after mama's latest demon raped her for the fifth night in a row.

There's a part of me that would like to think she'd be proud of the 17 year old who moved out on her own after graduating high school. Got a job waitressing in hooters even if it meant being subjected to the sneers, lairs and whispered slurs form drunk men. Just so she could pay for her four years at college.

Maybe she'd be proud of the 22 year old who graduated with a degree in forensic science, who completed the police academy in 21 weeks. No it wouldn't matter because everything that happened in Atlanta after that took it all way. The fact that I offered myself to my chief just to save my sister how I slept with him, how they whispered about me slut shamed me.

No she'd never love me cause to love me meant to love all of me. There's no way anyone would want to love a mess like me. It wasn't my fault I was a child it shouldn't have to hurt to be a child yet my whole life I hurt I did things just to get by. Those things made me unlovable.

" _Amanda"_

There was that unicorn again I saw her so clearly now so beautiful pure white with the most luscious colorful flowing mane. Her eyes tore right through me they reminded me of Kim's.

There was boy sitting on top of her he was young with dark brown hair the bangs hanging over his beautiful green eyes, blond streaks went through his hair, he was dressed in a pink satin loose blouse with white pants. His smile was so huge it lite up the whole sky. His hand was extended to me.

" _My earthly name was Shay J Amanda come with me shed our earthy forms for our angel wings"_

I couldn't move my hand what was wrong with me? Wake up Amanda! Move damn it! Liv help me I can't let Shay standing here I need to take his hand. I can't open my eyes wait are they open? How could I see him if they were closed? Why can't I see Liv clearly anymore? It's all becoming a blur now. I'm starting to get scared. I can't speak I felt trapped. Was this payback from all the fireflies I captured? I never let them die! I always let them go! Come on I was a country girl what else do we do for fun?

I'm here Liv why can't you hear me? I'll do whatever you want, I'll fight for you I'll fight for me. You'll show me how right? I maybe you're fatal sin but if you're willing to take the risk, I'll do the gambling. I know you'll help me, I just don't want to be the burden under you're skin.

Put me to the test Liv I'll prove I'm stronger than either of us think I am. What we feel it isn't wrong no matter who says it is. I love you! I see it okay Liv I'm worth it because you say I am I believe you. I want to live teach me how.

My memory can be a bit hazy separating the truth from lies. I'm a little sick some would say twisted. I have a dark windy past I'm ready to dance with you can you hear our song? You're my reason to smile, my reason to push on. I want to resolute to you, Don't cry Liv you're too beautiful you are my warrior.

I am so foolish I didn't tell you sooner Liv where are you? I can't see you any more LIV! You're fading fast no Liv please don't leave me. I can't hear you Liv where did you go?

" _It's time Amanda take one last view from heaven it's time to get you're wings"_

I turned frantically wait I can move? Shay was smiling suddenly he reached my hand I looked down again. Nothing I couldn't see her I couldn't hear her, I was too late I waited too late!

" _ **You won't be coming back**_ _ **  
**_ _ **And I didn't get to say good bye**_ _ **  
**_ _ **I really wish I got to say good bye**_ **"**

Lyrics belong to Yellowcard View From Heaven. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Liv**

 **Church of Heavenly Rest**

 **2 E 90th street New York Ny 10128**

" _Radiance, Promise, Symbols, Potential and now memories those are all that's left of my beautiful child now, no one can ever understand what it feels like to lose someone so young with so much Radiance someone who had the promise to make this world a better place. Someone with Potential to achieve so much, now all I have left is symbols an 8_ _th_ _grade diploma, trophies from nationals, proof that my son my baby my angel Shane Young was someone of importance even if others valued his life so little. Radiances of laughter, light love all distinguished now Potential he'll never get to reach it's not fair it's not right my son deserved better he had so much talent so much heart passion and love just an endless bundle of laughter and love…._

Shane's mom spoke so candidly her words brought me back to a few months ago standing in another church, Amanda stood at the podium she couldn't find the words to talk about her loss. A loss so incredible none of us could believe it just like we couldn't look at the tiny white and pink infant sized casket beside her. I couldn't stop the tears than just like I couldn't stop them now. Chills went through me as I remember Amanda unable to speak or cry so she sung, I didn't even know she could sing.

 _ **When I think back on these times  
And the dreams we left behind  
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life**_

 _ **When I look back on these days  
I'll look and see your face  
You were right there for me**_

 _ **In my dreams I'll always see you soaring by the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you  
For all my life  
I'll keep a part of you with me  
And everywhere I am there you'll be  
And everywhere I am there you'll be**_

 _ **Well you showed me how it feels  
To feel the sky within my reach  
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me  
Your love made me make it through  
Oh I owe so much to you  
You were right there for me**_

 _ **In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you  
For all my life  
I'll keep a part of you with me  
And everywhere I am there you'll be**_

 _ **'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength  
And I want to thank you now for all the ways  
You were right there for me  
(You were right there for me)  
You were right there for me  
For always**_

 _ **In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you  
For all my life**_

 _ **I'll keep a part of you with me  
And everywhere I am there you'll be  
And everywhere I am there you'll be  
There you'll be**_

I recall how she fell into my arms afterwards her body shaking uncontrollably tears that wanted so bad to pour out yet she kept them at bay. My legs could barely hold the two of us up. Yet I found the strength as she pounded into my shoulders yelling out _"Why? Why my baby? Why my daughter?" "What did I do to deserve this?_ I had no answers for her than just like I have no answers now. Why Shane? Why Taylor? Why did they have to suffer? Maybe I could never get answers for Amanda but I could and would for Shane. Fin yanked my sleeve signaling me we were rising.

People were moving forward to say their goodbyes to Shay J when it was my turn all I could do was remind myself Shane wasn't here he was someone safe now, somewhere where no one could hurt him anymore where he could sing as loud as he wanted dance as high as he could leap.

Death had taken away so much from him the worst though is his color those pink checks now waxy and pale, those eyes now sullen in no color no sparkle no light forever gone. His abdomen was distended. Death changes something about the way people look, I've done CPR on people who I didn't think I knew only later to learn they were neighbors old classmates, friends of my family. That spark that makes someone radiant and beautiful it's gone. Shay J reminded me of a porcelain doll I use to have haunting me.

Standing outside the church as the possession started out I felt dizzy from the blinding sun was mother nature trying to be cruel? Such a beautiful warm day yet it was filled with so much pain sorrow and blackness for this family. We wouldn't be going to the burial with the family. I felt they needed some peace respect.

Fin had his arms around my shoulders as I leaned against him tears falling down. Too many funerals. Too much death too many young people leaving us too soon. I spotted her as she came out of the church. Emily Jay Rio they called her Rio. Sucking in a breath wiping away my tears we approached her. " _Rio I'm detective Benson this is Detective Carisi and Fin we'd like to speak to you about some possible suspects we have in custody regarding Shay J and Taylor's suicides. I am sorry to be doing it now I know you're grieving but if you could contact us after the services are over"_

" _No"_ I was taken back I thought for sure with everything we learned after going through Shay J's Journal that she would help us. " _I'm sorry Detective Benson I meant no let's do it now I don't want to wait those sick bastards need to be brought to justice, there's a star-bucks a few blocks down shall we go there?"_ Once I could get my senses back I nodded.

We walked down the blocks in silence. Once we had some drinks we sat down she sipped her coffee for a few minute than spoke before us. "

" _What is it that you need form me? Dates, names, incidents? I have them all"_

We all looked at her in shock as she pulled out a camcorder " _Shay knew that there was no way to make the bullying stop unless he died he was afraid they'd kill him so he recorded everything Taylor did to as did I if for some reason we didn't have the camera's we got them after as soon as we could we documented every injury every insult. I made copies to I want the world to know what bullies look like what words do to a person's soul"_

" _This was a tragedy it didn't need to happen it shouldn't happen yet it is happening everyday in American schools kids are being bullied for just showing up for being themselves. You shouldn't have to go to heaven to get acceptance"_

She pressed play as Shay's smiling face came on making faces his smile endearing. Taylor was next to him looking solemn at first her eyes filled with darkness sadness that black hair flowing down over her tanned skin. She was so beautiful than suddenly she busted into song dancing grabbing Shay's hands. For a few minutes we watched as they danced singing off key and on key, than they got quiet.

Shane spoke softly his voice filled with sadness pain and anger.

" _Well it's September 8_ _th_ _2015 all of us from the age of 5-18 knows what that means back to school uh! Don't get me wrong I love school the learning part not the daily humiliation, social isolation gay bashing rest of the day"_

" _2 pm so today Chad_ _Maris_ _along with his animal posse Charles Adams, Nathan Kresge spit in my lunch, than they slammed it into my face, so today was relatively good but it won't last. I know it Taylor knows it Rio knows it everyone fucking knows it yet no one will do anything a bout it"_

 _Oct 15_ _th_ _2015_ Shay came on showing the camera his arm covered in bruises deep purple ones with bloody red ones, than he lifted his shirt to show his rib cages lined wit huge purple marks. " _Today they corned me in the bathroom_ _slammed my face into the toilet while someone I believe Chad pissed on me, they held me down kicking me calling me fag boy, fagot, god I can't get that acid taste out of my mouth I've thrown up so many times my stomach feels like it's coming out"_

" _Nov 10_ _th_ _2015 Hey guys it's Taylor so today the A.S.S.E.S also known as Alyssa, Skylar, Sam, Erica and Sally locked the locker room door while I was naked stole my clothes held me down naked in the shower while I screamed begging them to let me go, they took my towels turned on the shower on the hottest water possible and held me down for almost thirty minutes laughing telling me "witches must burn witches must burn"_

 _Nov 11_ _th_ _Taylor again I am so fucking pissed I mean what the fuck have I done to deserve this shit! My whole body hurts from yesterday I can't tell anyone cause who the fuck cares? My parents yeah right they never even noticed, if this wasn't enough today those bitches broke into my band's rehearsal space and smashed my guitar my prized $1,000 singed fucking guitar! I know it was them because they took a video of them doing it and laughed about it sending it to me with this lovely message. Next time it's you're skull whore" Whore? I'm a virgin!"_

" _December 25_ _th_ _It's Shane bitches_ _Merry Christmas everyone oh yeah it's not my Christmas present was a gift from_ _Chad, Charles and Nathan a dead puppy they attached a sweet note to it. To one dead dog to another you can't run you can't hide will hound you till we find you and slice you down like the sick dog you are"_

The videos went on each one with Shane or Taylornarrating each narration had clips of an actual crime happening. Each one more horrifying than the others they detailed kids stalking them cars following them as they walked home. One showed the boys abducting Shane and Taylor as they walked past the train tracks pinning them down while they groped Taylor held Shane down naked forced him to kiss girls, while the guys took turns feeling Taylor up raping her.

I barely made it to the bathroom before I vomited I don't know what was wrong with me lately but these cases are really starting to get to me. Maybe I'm getting to old to stomach this job anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

**Liv**

I don't know what I was expecting when I walked into her room it's not like I thought her eyes would be open to see her talking full sentences. Still part of me was left feeling defeated when I walked into her room. Taking her hand I smiled at Liz her day shift Nurse. " _How is she Liz?"_ I asked hoping to get a positive answer her smile gave me hope.

Taking Amanda's hand I felt her head fall towards me did she hear me? Liz smiled at me patting Amanda's hands. " _She's doing well vitals are strong we're preparing to ween her off the vent within the next few days" "That's excellent isn't it?" "Yes it is Liv if you need anything I'll be right outside"_

Sitting down by her I ran my hands over her arms did she feel me? " _Baby I don't know if you can hear me I hope you can if you can give me a sign" "I'm sorry I couldn't be here earlier sweetie this case is killing me. These kids Shay J, Taylor seemed like sweet talented kids, they just couldn't get acceptance"_

Stroking Amanda's hair I thought about her own rough up bringing wondering how she would handle this case. I willed myself to focus on Amanda right now. Yet I couldn't stop seeing Shay in one of his videos singing as he tapped danced. His hair falling over the left side of his face covering his eye. He moved so freely so expertly like he was born dancing.

Sudden movement snapped me out of my trance did her arm just move? Shaking my head I focused on her another snap she did her left arm just thrashed. " _You can hear me can't you sweetheart that's awesome baby don't stress yourself out though love we have time, relax your hurt you need to take it slow"_ I kept running my hand over her arms and legs kissing her face gently. She didn't move again I wondered if I had just imagined it.

God I was tired laying back in the chair I closed my eyes I couldn't breathe I couldn't think any more. My whole body ached kicking off my shoes I pulled my knees to my chest, I don't know what this feeling is. Could I feel protective of her? She was like my sister an annoying over chatty eager sometimes reckless young sister. No it was more than that though. Love it was simple I was in love with Amanda these memories had a hold of me. Her smile as she busted a prep doing her little dance in the locker room away from everyone else.

The blush when I scolded her even though I didn't mean it. The way she stared at me quickly looking away when she caught me watching her. That haunting look in her eyes when she told me about Atlanta how she blamed herself, how she cried when her sister became a fugitive.

How beautiful and free she was when she was dancing hair flying. Her laugh when she truly meant it god it was the most amazing musical sound I have ever heard. The look on her beautiful face when is told her I didn't trust her didn't want her on my team anymore.

Closing my eyes feeling my fingers wrap tightly around hers I prayed when I opened my eyes again she'd be staring at me.

" _Do Something with your life"_

That's what I've heard all my life well I like to think I have done something with my life. I over came so much loss and pain. I used it as fuel watching my mom drink her pain away from her rape that got her pregnant with me, watching her use men and men use her throw her away. Being her victim of her abuse and rage seeing Gina and Rachel scum to drugs. I used it all put myself through college working two sometimes three jobs to pay going to the academy making my way up the ranks to Lieutenant. 18 years going strong with a job I love. I know I have made a difference maybe not as much as I wanted to. We all start somewhere though right?

I have an adorable handsome smart son a great guy he's tough compassionate smart dedicated to his job to me and Noah, he's great in bed. I have an amazing squad yet my heart doesn't want Tucker it doesn't flutter the way it does when it sees Amanda's beautiful smile. My stomach doesn't have butterflies like when I hear her southern drawl. My eyes don't water for his face like they do for those long lashes or follow his body the way they linger on hers.

I never thought I would be one of those all American White picket fence girls with two kids a dog life now I could see it so clearly though it brought a smile to my face a tap to my feet. Coming home from a long day to the cursing of my cute southern women trying to make dinner almost burning the house down, Noah and Jesse playing in the yard laughing, Fannie barking for food or attention. I could see Manda blushing as she tried to put out the fire. I could see myself taking her in my arms spinning her around damn those hips my hands on her ass checks squeezing them as she moaned before smashing her lips against mine. I could see myself going to bed every night next to her holding her staring into those incredible blue eyes. I could hear myself saying " _I love you Amanda"_ I could see her eyes watching me unsure searching me for any signs I would leave her hurt her. I could taste her sugary sweet peach lips her breath catching as I deepen the kiss.

It's the American Dream love success happiness hard work. It can happen to. Unless your young and gay than your rights don't matter.

" _Aw man Carisi get a picture of this"_ My eyes sprung open coming face to face with Fin who let out a curse when he knew I had caught him watching me half asleep holding Amanda's hands. Of course both of them pointed at the other person saying " _He said it!"_ There goes my peaceful evening.


	12. Chapter 12

**Liv**

My head was buzzing as I held Amanda's laptop in my hand CSI had brought it to me telling me there were things she had on them that I needed to see. It's been three hours I can't bring myself to look. I feel like it's an invasion of privacy at the highest. Yet if it helps me figure out how she was feeling when she held a gun to herself. If it could help me to help her heal didn't I have a need to know?

My head and neck hurt my eyes couldn't stay off of her the extubation had been successful she was breathing on her own now. Every so often she would moan or thrash around. I went through her playlist changing them whenever one was done. Music was something she loved so passionately I hoped playing her ipod would reach her.

I had no idea who this Boyce Avenue was but she seemed to love him it was marked with a heart. Settling down with Noah by my side while Lucy went to get food and rest for a bit. I fired up her laptop smiling in shock when I saw her screen savior was of us in the park with our kids on the carouse.

Going through her documents I saw a folder named Olivia okay so this wasn't intriguing at all. I might of smiled blushing only a little just a hint of fear ran through me as I clicked the folder. The words of the song however made me want to cry.

" _ **But the blood on your veins**_

 _ **As you carry his name**_

 _ **turns thinner than water**_

 _ **Oh he would leave you alone, and leave you so cold**_

 _ **When you were his daughter**_

 _ **Your just a broken angel"**_

Was it about a father and daughter? I honestly didn't even know she thought about her dad. I wondered what kind of father he was to her did they have a decent relationship? Where was he now? Had he passed away? Did he hurt her? The song made it seem like it wasn't a good relationship. Did she just like the song?

The first document seemed to be a poem or a song, should I read it? I glanced at her laying there in the hospital bed so pale, so frail. Her breathing coming in short cute breaths. She looked better than she had in the last few weeks yet she was still so broken. I had to I had to know how she was feeling why she was feeling this way how long had it been going on?

" _ **Fire lit inside since I was a small child**_

 _ **Heart running wildly free, dreaming bigger than the sky**_

 _ **Running barefoot catching fireflies**_

 _ **Just an ordinary country girl**_

 _ **Blond hair big blue eyes dreaming of fairy tales**_

 _ **The story of Barbie drilled into my tiny brain cells**_

 _ **Smile big bat those pretty eyes walk the walk**_

 _ **It won't hurt play your part smile through the tears**_

 _ **Innocence shattered keep your head held high be a big girl**_

 _ **Big girls don't cry run harder jump higher**_

 _ **Shine your light on your dreams someday they may be reality**_

 _ **Little girl no more big girl mistakes bury the shame with a pretty smile**_

 _ **Nasty glares, whispered rumors the truth is buried so far down down down**_

 _ **You can't shine a light on what's broken brush it off pretend it doesn't hurt**_

 _ **Some dreams die some souls are not meant to be saved**_

 _ **Some dreams rise who cares what the price is**_

 _ **Years fly by love has grown cold under the big city lights**_

 _ **Focus on your goals you've come so far watched her from a far**_

 _ **Admired every stride, studied every case be calm impress her with your southern charm**_

 _ **Too beautiful/ too nervous/rapid heartbeat old fears coming to surface**_

 _ **It won't hurt play your part smile through the tears**_

 _ **You try so hard she'll never notice your irreverent**_

 _ **She'll never notice your heartbreaks**_

 _ **It won't hurt play your part smile through the tears**_

 _ **Shattered heart keep your head held high be a big girl**_

 _ **Big girls don't cry keep dreaming of better days**_

 _ **Days when she'll talk to you not through you**_

 _ **Focus on her smile taking away your sorrows**_

 _ **My sun on cloudy days/ Stay focus make her proud**_

 _ **Nothing matters it won't work your a failure face it**_

 _ **She's lost trust/ take another drink hit me again bartender**_

 _ **Drink away my emptiness wash down the shame**_

 _ **Nothing can take away the blame**_

 _ **Smiles fake eyelashes lies of I'm fine**_

 _ **It's an illusion no one sees through**_

 _ **Congratulations you win the contests for biggest lie**_

 _ **Some dreams die**_

 _ **Every time I close my eyes drinking to forget her name**_

 _ **Olivia**_

 _ **What I really need now is to have half a chance to know**_

 _ **Olivia will one day see me as more than a screwup**_

 _ **I pray she'll notice me hit me again bartender**_

 _ **I pray one day my love song will be requited**_

 _ **Olivia**_

 _ **Hit me again**_

 _ **Till that day I wash away my pain drown my shame**_

 _ **Bury my dreams hit me, hit me, hit me bartender"**_

Oh my god did Amanda feel the same way about me? No it can't be can it? This can't be true! She didn't she wasn't … She isn't gay...is she? I felt my whole body tense than shiver as I closed my eyes. What was it that she said to me the first day we meet? " _I've admired you since …_ No that wasn't it. Damn it Olivia think… why didn't I pay attention to her then?

I was so cold all of a sudden, Amanda's head was turned to me she was moaning softly. So I got up moving closer running my hand over face talking softly. That what it was " _I just wanted you to know I am really happy to be here I've studied your cases, I used some of the stuff you did on the Brown case"_ I brushed her off didn't even get where she came from right. God how rude did I sound. How horrible she must of felt.

I clicked on another document I didn't even look at the name but I saw the date was from two years ago.

 **God this feeling is so awful. I lost her trust she told me to her face.**

" ** _Murphy may trust you Rollins but I don't if we weren't so short staffed I'd have you transferred today_ " I have thought about Suicide as a kid especially more as a teen I never could go through with it though. Unless you count the cutting, I never wanted to die though then, I just wanted to stop the pain.**

 **Now fuck it if I can't ever have any hope of getting Olivia's trust back why go on?**

 **Is suicide always wrong? Just because something is illegal does not mean it is morally impermissible. I mean my life is nothing but drama ain't no one gonna miss me. I am nothing she pretty much told me when she told me she can't trust me. Who the fuck wants a cop working a case who can't be trusted, who can't control her own illegal activities. I think we call that a hypocrite.**

 **I know if I kill myself right now though that would put Fin and Carisi over the edge they'd kill each other. Damn why is it my pain is always so inconvenient to everyone else?** **My death needs to be counted in the number of** **creative adults who survived horrific childhoods** **of** **people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say 'that's fucked up' and fix it. Fix society. Please** **cause no one is trying to fix me.**

 **What's also fucked up is the fact that** **so many of young people feel so fucked up we turn to on line blogs and social media we're** **writing and blogging about** **our** **own suicides before they even happen, and** **that deserves to be fixed, too.**

 **I know it's as useless as tits on a bull as useless as Olivia giving a damn about me. I am useless worthless. I am use to feeling nothing except pain. In the end I will fade into the night as invisible as I was when I was born still with the same hurt fears and lack of comfort. Here's to my fucked up life!"**

My sweet Amanda dear god how could I have not seen it? My own words caused her to feel like she was worthless. I never meant for that to happen I wanted to encourage her make her see that she was a great cop, she could be even better if she just learned to control herself ask for help. Stop her self-sabotaging, instead I almost pushed her to end her life. What else was she feeling? I had to find out.


	13. Chapter 13

**Liv**

" _We did it Amanda you'd be so proud we arrested those bastards all of them their going to be tried as adults for stalking, Harassment, Cyberbullying, Rape, Assault and battery with a Hate crime status. Shane will finally get some peace oh my god the best part Manda. Taylor woke up, she's awake she's talking. Baby if she can do it I know you can to"_

I had just finished washing Amanda with a sponge she'd kill me if she knew this was happening. Once I had her dried off I changed her gown than brushed her hair. Everyday I came in making sure she had a bath, did her makeup a little, brushed her hair changed her exercised her limps so atrophy wouldn't set in.

" _Amanda I am going to let you rest now but I will be right here love if you need anything let me know"_ I felt her squeeze my hand I heard the soft moan " _Liv"_ She was making progress slow but surely. Smiling I leaned down kissing her lips.

Leaning back in the chair that was permanently imprinted with my butt, back. I plugged in her flash drive to my laptop. It was amazing how she had kept her journal on her life since she was young. She really was tech savy.

Turning to one labeled 1988 I wondered when she put this on a file since computers didn't even exist then. I settled with a glass of wine. Making sure no one was around.

" _ **November 1988 6 pm"**_

" _ **Daddy is drunk again he is so mad he lost another gambling match he's in a hole, at least that's what he said. I don't know what he means, he seems to me like he's standing on his two feet not buried in the ground. Course he's tipsy from drinking, he's yelling so loud, Mama was yelling back for while now she's crying screaming for daddy to stop hurting her. What am I suppose to do? I'm only eight and a half, Kim is crying I can't make her stop if she doesn't he will come up, as drunk as he is it's gonna be so bad. Please God are you there! Please help me! Oh god he's coming I can hear him. I'm so scared but I have to be strong, I have to get Kim out of here! The closet!**_

 _ **6:10pm**_

" _ **Okay we're in the closet I barricaded it as best as I could, Kim finally stopped crying I gave her candy. Uh she'll be up for hours now. Great no sleep for me tonight. Daddy broke something, I can hear the crash, it sounds like glass. Breathe Amanda breathe, oh god he's coming anyway! Mama is silent now this is not good."**_

 _ **11 pm**_

 _ **I think it's eleven now I don't know all I know is I am hurting so awfully bad, he did it again.** **He keeps telling me it's our secret I don't want this to be a secret, yet I know I can never tell anyone. I am so ashamed I should be able to stop him, I can't though he's so much stronger, when he touches me I try to blank out, I try to think of a song I like, It helps somewhat, his fingers though their so cold, why are they inside of me? It's sick he's wrong!**_

 _ **March 1988**_

" _ **The shadows haunt me daddy is coming I know it I can't sleep I want to die, I won't though I won't be that lucky no I have to survive, I have to make it out of this hell some day I will help other kids fight their demons. Kim and I we will make it, if I pretend to sleep will he go away? No he'll just have his way with me no matter what. I am so tired."**_

 _ **April 13** **th** **1991 10 am**_

" _ **Daddy's gone I chased him away two years ago yet it didn't help Mama has a whole turn table of men or pigs coming through, they all use me. I'm okay though I know I can make it, I have to just a few more years I'm 11 now, I'm a big girl, Mama forgot my birthday or didn't care. I don't know which but Kim remembered she picked flowers for me from the garden shop. She's so sweet sometimes, I long ago stopped wishing for presents, all I care about is being left alone today, no yelling, no hitting, no touching. It's probably too much to ask for.**_

 _ **April 16** **th** **10pm**_

 _ **Well I got my wish I guess they left me alone alright they locked me outside, they let Kim stay inside they cooked her fried chicken got her cake it's not even her birthday! They told me to sleep in the barn, I refused so I walked around town, played a baseball game with a few neighborhood kids, when it got dark I found food in dumpsters times like these I wonder why I exist. If it's just to be treated like garbage? I spent the next three days on the streets. I didn't sleep well at all, I barely ate. I feel itchy, sick."**_

A knock on the door startled me getting up I covered Amanda tighter not that it mattered she tore the covers off seconds later.

Laughing I kissed her again feeling her forehead and face. She still felt cool. Going to the door I saw Dr. Sacramento standing there with Shay J's mom. Exiting the room I fixed my outfit. " _Mrs. young is everything okay?" "No Liv it never will be okay again but I am doing as best as I can be excepted to be" "I'm sorry to bother you I know you want to spend time with your detective, I just wanted to come by and give you my support, and truthfully I had to come by and see how she was doing myself" "Aw Thank you so much forgive me for asking though you never met Detective Rollins so why is it such a concern for you_ _?_ _" "_ _I_ _heard she tried to kill herself" "Yes well we're trying to keep that quiet she doesn't need the media right now" "Oh I would never Liv." "I am so sorry what I was trying to say was after Shay J was declared brain dead we were giving the option to donate his organs and I asked them to donate his lungs to Amanda"_

Did she just say what I thought she did?


	14. Chapter 14

**Amanda**

Where was I? Why were there flashing lights? Why was I so cold one minute than hot the next? Pain radiate through my whole body, I felt myself being hoisted up. I couldn't move someone was hurting me with a whip. Make them stop Liv. I couldn't scream why was I hanging? I heard men laughing, drinking, I felt their hands rooming my body. I heard some one shout " _Who's ready for the show?"_

Fear consumed me I couldn't breathe, I was bleeding badly. My hands were nailed to the cross above my head someone was on top of me I wanted to scream. " _Keep your pretty mouth shut whore"_ " _You can dress them up boys but a whore is still a whore a dumb slut is_ _still_ _a dumb slut_ _that's why we're here to show them their place in this world_ _"_ He hit me harder fingers inside of me. " _You know I don't take no for an answer Amanda"_ I was falling now where was I falling to? Air whizzing by. Shadows passed was that a unicorn? Closing my eyes somehow someone caught me. I held tight to my savior.

Children's laughter rung out was it Jesse? We flew higher towards the sky I could breathe now. " _Mommy, mommy!"_ No that couldn't be Jesse she was too young to talk. Getting off my savior I saw we had ridden a unicorn, I couldn't remember his name but he looked familiar. He was standing now staring out towards the kids singing.

" _ **I'll go, but I won't go quietly  
Go down, but I'll go down fighting  
Don't know where, don't know why  
But I can't go back, back to the way I was  
I'll show who I am from the inside  
Gonna take my walk on the wild side  
Don't know where, don't know why  
But I can't go back, back to the way I was"**_

He had an amazing voice the kids all came running to him laughing holding up their arms. My eyes watered as I saw her, she looked perfect checks so full of color eyes so beautiful her long white dress flowing angel wings giving her flight towards me. __

He came over to me pulling me into a hug I just wanted a moment to be loved held closing my eyes we danced slowly as he sung. Resting my head on his chest there was a beautiful glow coming from somewhere. All I knew was here there was no pain no fear, Jesse wrapped her arms around me laughing, her wings gently brushing my face.

" _I'll come to you Amanda in your solemn hour will you fly with me?_

 _Will you leave your earthly form behind?"_

" _Are you ready to be free or do you have more fight?_

 _I saved you on earth but if you are ready I will save you here"_

I saw Liv standing by me with a doctor and a women I didn't know _"Hi Mom"_ He whispered yet he didn't sound sad, he sounded free happy. Liv my sweet angel how could I leave her behind, she had admitted she loved me. We could finally have a chance to be together. I saw him staring at someone else from our life below she was also in a bed attached to machines her eyes open she looked so lost haunted when I looked at him I saw his expression was different not sad but not happy either " _Who is she?" "Her name is Taylor she was my best friend, we we're suppose to make this journey together, it wasn't her time though she has too much left to give. I just wish she had someone down there to watch over her"_ He turned to me was his expression challenging me? What was it suppose to mean?

" _I'm Shay J by the way in case you forgot it's time Amanda what do you decide?"_

Lyrics belong to Hailee Steinfeld and Dawin for Silent Records and Republic Records. Jem and The Holgrams.


	15. Chapter 15

**Amanda**

 ** ** _"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results_****

 ****_from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."_****

" _Promise me you'll try Amanda" "Promise yourself that you'll give yourself the chance to heal to forgive yourself love yourself"_

Liv's last words to me repeated as a mantra inside my head it kept me from pinching myself, from freaking out. I was trying to control my breathing as I was wheeled down the hall from the normal hospital ward to my new home for an undisclosed amount of time. I tried to turn but the injuries in my chest the stitches were still fresh preventing me from turning, however as I looked up I saw Liv's reflection in the glass window of the doors which were set to swing open as we approached. She was trying so hard to hold herself together. I could see the tears glistening in her eyes though. A new emotion hit me suddenly guilt I had done that to her I had broken Badass Benson.

I had to keep my promises to her I had to be honest with myself they say the first step is to admit you had an issue. Okay I could do that I had many issues in fact. We went into an elevator, the RN wheeling me said nothing to me, I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad. I didn't mind the quite what I minded was not knowing what she was thinking. Was she thinking I was some sort of nut job? Was she thinking I was a spoiled rich bitch who felt sorry for herself because she couldn't afford a yacht? I know people think that cops make so much money when the truth is we make shit for the dangerous job we do.

Closing my eyes I tried to keep my nausea down it was really bad today. Maybe it was nerves I don't know but I had a bad headache as well. It's been over a week since I woke up from the coma in a panic trying to rip out my tubes freaking poor Liv out. As far as my medical prognosis. I'm looking good of course I'll need to go for checkups every three months for the first two years than if I am doing well their take it down to every six months, to eventually once a year.

Mentally that is what we're starting to work on today, when I first woke up I was so pissed I threw Liv out of the room angry that I was alive, I wouldn't eat, so they had to tube feed me. I was restrained so I wouldn't hurt myself. Liv didn't let any of it get to her she stayed by my side the whole time stroking my hair face telling me over and over that she loved me she wanted me to get help so we could be together. I didn't believe her at first, I still kind of don't but she told me **_"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."_** It got me thinking that she's the first person who really took the time to stay by me fight for me. If she could do that after every awful thing I have done or said to her maybe I was worth the fight.

" _Good Evening Detective Rollins I am Brandi Sinclair I will be your RN till seven Pm than I shall return tomorrow morning"_ My eyes opened slowly to see a young woman in her twenties standing by a set of doors which swung open with a loud buzzer as she swiped her badge taking my wheelchair. I have never been inside this unit before even though I have been here plenty of times to question victims even suspects. " _This unit is new we just opened it within the last year, if you have to be in any unit sweetheart this is a fantastic unit well as any unit can be in a hospital"_ She laughed I wished I could ask her questions but my nausea had become almost unbearable.

She seemed to read my mind though keeping the one way conversation going. " _We call this the second Harvest unit it's a mixture of adults and adolescents all who have signed themselves in for treatment, it's less strict than an acute unit, we have private rooms if your feeling suicidal or like your going to harm yourself, will hold you there for 24 hours than elevate you if we feel your an endangerment to yourself or others will admit you to an acute unit. However if you follow the rules do what your here to do you'll have a room with at least one other patient most have beds that hold four."_

We went into a private exam room where I was asked to strip than searched for weapons or anything that could be used as a weapon. I was weighed checked over, than given plain Grey sweatpants to wear and a white t-shirt that had Second Harvest logo in the corner and on back. Guess so if I tried to make a break they could know for sure I was crazy. Next came the questions which I hated how many times did I have to answer the same stupid questions?

" _Do you wish you didn't have to go on living?"_

Honesty Amanda remember I took a deep breath before answering. " _Sometimes yes" "How often do you have these thoughts?" "It varies I guess depends on my day I've had them since I was a kid they've gotten a lot worse over the last five years, this year I would say almost every day for six months"_

" _Do you have thoughts of wanting to die?" "_ _Not now"_

" _Active suicidal thoughts?" "No I just feel tired"_

" _Do you have thoughts of wanting to take your own life?"_ Wasn't this the same question? Was she trying to trick me? " _No not now I want to get better I want to have a life with Liv, Noah and Frannie Mae"_

" _Do you have suicidal thoughts?" "No" "You did however didn't you? "Yes that's why I am here"_

" _Can you tell me about what brought you here?"_

" _I had a case it really got to me it was a baby who was only a year old the same age as my sweet Jesse the mom was stressed out she um she couldn't handle her baby crying so she shock him, than she got scared when he died so she faked that he was kidnapped and killed, I just I couldn't stop thinking of Jesse"_

" _Who is Jesse?"_ Brandi was sweet she rubbed my hand encouraging me to keep talking but not to rush. " _Jesse is.. was my daughter she died"_ She didn't pressure me to talk about why or what happened which I appreciated. She gave me some water rubbing my back. Before she kept up the questions.

" _What were the circumstances of this attempt?" "I got drunk and I shot myself"_

" _What did you want to achieve to die/to sleep/euphoria?" "I wanted peace"_

" _Did you think it would kill you?" "Yes"_

" _Have you ever tried to take your own life before?" "_ _No this was my first"_

" _Do you want help to avoid killing yourself?" "Yes I know I have a lot left to do I want to be happy to feel safe"_

" _Will you accept my help to avoid becoming suicidal again?" "Yes I need it I want it"_

" _Will you accept specialist mental health care?" "To be honest it's hard for me to accept that I need mental help. I hate therapy, I hate paying someone to listen to my problems, yet I know I need this so I will do my best to accept it, that's the first step"_

She seemed happy with the answers because she offered me a sleeping pill since I was exhausted and in pain. Than we walked through the unit she showed me the private rooms there was ten of them five of them being used currently. Than the game room, I saw around five teens two boys three girls playing pool, a man around my age watching a musical on TV, a woman in her late 40's or so reading a magazine.

She showed me the dinning hall, the activity room, the therapy rooms they had musical therapy, art therapy, physical therapy. Than she introduced me to the five therapists Dr. Sharon who was assigned to me she was one of the five Psychiatrists. Dr. Evans in charge of Art therapy, Dr. Lyle in charge of Musical therapy. Plus the four other Psychiatrists, the three Clinical Social Workers Audrey, Dean and Sean.

Finally we came to the rooms I was so damn tired I could barely stand " _We have three motto's we like every patient to go by while here Detective Rollins._ _Respect self, Respect others, Respect community_ _think you can manage that sweetie?" "Yes Brandi" "Awesome your in room 3303 which is a double room so you got somewhat lucky you do have a room mate I believe she's in therapy right now so you'll meet her when you wake" "Doors are to remain open at all times when you shower or have to use the bathroom ring for me please, you are not_ _permitted_ _to go alone until we feel we can trust you" "Okay"_ She showed me where the call bell was the basin if I felt sick.

Psych wards aren't exactly what you see on TV yet their also not that far off, it's not as dramatized in real life. Not unless you go to a really acute one. Everything here seemed pretty calm, the rooms weren't padded and all white I didn't see any straight jackets. The room I was in was pretty decent sized two beds far enough from each other for privacy, no rails on them or head boards but pads on the walls just above where the heads rest. No TV's just one dresser for each bed which is plastic.

Sleep is all I wanted so when she turned off the lights I pulled the blankets closer shivering. I heard her go to the bathroom which must have a closet because she came back with another blanket telling me to call her if I needed anything.

I wish she could give me the one thing I needed, no one could though. Hope was fleeting maybe I would find it in my dreams, if I found it though would I be able to latch on or would it fly off leaving me in just blackness. If it let me catch it maybe I would start to believe in it.

Hope however seemed like a fleeting dream.

Bring on my dreams.


	16. Chapter 16

**Amanda**

Intense pain hit me the minute I rolled over opening my eyes. Oh fuck welcome to my life. I couldn't even catch my breath for a full five minutes. Tears pricked my eyes but I fought them off, at least my headache was gone and my nausea now I was just drained. I struggled to get up slowly when I heard. " _Bout time I thought I was going to have to suffocate you all you kept moaning was Liv, Liv"_

Looking up I saw a young girl sitting on the other bed her knees pulled up to her chest. She looked miserable tears stained her checks which were swollen. She was pale and so thin it was scary I mean I know I am thin but she was way skinner than I was unhealthy skinny she also had a sweatshirt on covering her whole upper body. Her raven hair fell in front of her face which she didn't bother to brush back, I couldn't see her eyes yet I felt this strange feeling like I somehow knew her. I know I didn't yet I couldn't shake this feeling.

" _So uh what's your name?" "Like you give a damn" "Touchy" "Bitch" "Whatever"_ Shaking my head I got up heading out to find Brandi so I could get a shower I needed one desperately. She came almost the instant I stepped outside. " _I saw you getting up I figured you'd want a shower" "How did you see me?" "Each room has a small camera in the ceiling" "Figures so what's my roommates major malfunction she seems like she has a chip on her shoulder" "Everyone has issues here sweetie you wouldn't be here if you didn't I can't say what she's in for if she chooses to open up to you than you have some magic she hasn't opened up to us all week"_

After I was showered I tried to fix my hair my room mate was in the same position as before. Maybe I should try to talk to her, after all I was older I should help her I was a cop that was my job she could be my little sister. " _I don't bite you know I've been told I'm a good listener"_ She didn't look at me she just kept rocking as she replied _"I_ _am depressed,_ _I_ _am suicidal but does anyone care?_ _N_ _o_ _I_ _wake up in the morning thinking._ _W_ _hy am_ _I_ _still alive then_ _I_ _go to sleep hoping_ _I_ _die_ _._ _I hate this fucking life, I hate myself._ _All I say to my self is why am I still alive, why did god bring me to this cruel world all that his happening is just to painful, Why do I have to suffer through the pain."_ My heart started to break for her she sounded so young so hopeless so I tried to get her to open up more by sharing my story _"I felt that way to all of us here have"_

She didn't seem to want to hear it though snapping at me _"You don't get it"_ Now I was getting angry but I told myself mentally to keep calm treat her like you would one of your victims you were trying to get to trust you _"How do you know what I get dear? You don't know me you don't even know my name or my story. I've lived through more shit than years you've even been alive for._ _I use to tell myself_ _I don't need any help._ _I_ _just wanna feel numb cause it's so exhausting to pretend that I_ _'_ _m strong_ _a_ _nd everything is good._ _I'_ _m able to cope with my problems when actually_ _I was_ _not. I_ _was_ _tired of waiting for the day when I_ _'d_ _feel happy._ _I never cried never allowed myself to feel sorry for myself or allow anyone else to feel pity for me that would be weak. I wasn't weak I couldn't be. I'm a cop and cops we're suppose to be strong so we could protect the innocent people because_ _this_ _world is so cruel full of bad peopl_ _e. Expect even the strongest people have breaking points, I reached mine" "Your a cop?"_ She seemed shocked intrigued. I nodded as I slowly went over to her bed, she looked at me scared yet didn't bolt when I sat down next to her. " _My name is Detective Amanda Rollins sweetie what's yours?"_ She let out a piercing scream shoving me so forcefully. I fell back off the bed sprawled on to the bed as the room was suddenly filled with medical staff. Hitting the floor sent waves of dizziness coursing through me.

I felt someone help me up leading me out of the room as I saw an RN holding her down what the hell was her problem? Was she crazy? Well look where you are Rollins she could very well be.

This RN I didn't know her name tag read Cindy she didn't say a word yet as we went out of the room I heard Brandi saying to my room mate. " _Calm down Taylor your okay Detective Rollins wouldn't hurt you, settle down or we will sedate you"_ I distinctly heard Taylor reply " _Fuck you"_

I learned quickly that everything here ran on a tight schedule.

Time of Day

Activity

6:00 am- 7:00 am

Wake up, Shower, Room clean check, Dress

8:00 - 8:30 am

Breakfast

8:30 - 8:45 am

Stretch

8:45 - 9:15 am

Meeting: for daily updates, questions, and goal-setting

9:15 - 11:00 am

School younger patients will have breaks and shortened times/ Break time for older patients.

11:00 am - 12:00 pm

Therapeutic groups

12:00 - 12:30 pm

Lunch

12:30 - 1:15 pm

Therapeutic groups/individual work

1:30 - 2:30 pm

School/ Free time for older patients

2:30 - 4:15 pm

Therapeutic groups/individual work

5:00 - 5:30 pm

Dinner

5:30 - 6:15 pm

Room rest/therapeutic work

6:30 - 8:30 pm

Therapeutic groups and visiting time

8:30 - 8:45 pm

Snack and relaxation time

9:00 pm

Getting ready for bed

My first Session with Dr. Sharon I felt relieved because the instant I met her I knew I'd love her which helped relax me into this whole idea of therapy if I liked the person I wouldn't feel so angry or scared to share my feelings. It would be like talking to a friend. She was bubbly but not over bubbly she greeted me with a " _Hello Love"_ A kiss on my check and a hug before offering me something to drink. I stiffened when she hugged me she didn't tell me I was a freak she smiled at me rubbed my back telling me. " _Don't be afraid to allow yourself to be loved_ __ _you are worthy of it"_

" _I'd like to start with some simple things name some things you love"_ That was harder than I thought yet her voice which held a strong Irish accent made me feel at ease. " _What gives you the most joy?" "Do you remember the last time you were happy?"_ When was I happy last? When did I feel joy? Did I ever? It scared me when I couldn't think of anything for five minutes. There was Kim but her dysfunctions almost always over shadowed any happiness she brought. There was Liv yet I killed any shot of happiness with her. Maybe Kim and I weren't so far apart. " _Frannie Mae!" "Who is she?" "She's my doggie" "She brings you happiness?" "Yes always she's always happy to see me, when I am sad she cheers me up without judgment" "So you feel judge_ _d_ _by people?" "Always how can people not? I am an epic screw up hell I even ffed up killing myself" "How does that make you feel?" "Happy I guess I mean I thought I wanted to die than but now.. now I have a reason to live" "What is your reason?" "Liv" "Who's Liv?" "She's my boss my girlfriend I hope" "Hope?" "Yea she admitted she loved me right before I came here she wants to make it work" "Do you think she means it it did she say it just to get you help?"_

Wait could she of tricked me? No no way Liv wouldn't do that yet a tiny shadow of doubt crept into my mind. _"Can you tell me any triggers Amanda?"_ I didn't want to admit to this yet I had to be honest " _My job sometimes not all the time but once in a while will get a case that just stays with us we all get them" "What do you do when that happens?" "I use to gamble, than I lost control almost lost my job, freedom, life, I lost my self respect, so I switched to drinking, than cutting, which lead to my current placement" "What cases trigger you?" "Kids I hate seeing them suffer by the hands of adults people their suppose too trust"_

" _Did you have any adults who broke your trust as a child?" "Every last one of them" "How do you feel when you think of the past?" "Angry, depressed I hurt so bad,_ _I had to hide in my room I had so many bruises I didn't know how to lie to cover them all up, no one ever heard my cries when I did cry that was, or they didn't care, they'd act like it was normal to get beat to be raped, to have no food or heat, air" "Did anyone ever tell you that you were worthy of love?" "One person my sister Kim"_ I told her the whole story of my funny crazy twisted beautiful sister. _"_ _Your sister and you sound like you had a close loving yet difficult relationship" "Yeah that's one way to phrase it I suppose" "_ _When was the last time you saw your sister?" "The day she murdered my daughter"_


	17. Chapter 17

**Amanda**

It sounded so strange to say those words out loud my sister my crazy sweet yet mentally ill baby sister who I protected my whole life, even when she framed me for murder robbed me and left me to pick up the pieces. She murdered my baby girl. Dr. Sharon never pushed me to talk she just sat watching me smiling rubbing my arm. Offering me water or tissues, writing in her book. " _Amanda I can see tears in your eyes yet you push them back why is that?" "Crying is weak" "Why do you say that?" "Because I don't deserve to shed tears I'm the reason she's gone" "You just said your sister killed her" "Yes because I let her I knew she was sick yet I let her watch Jessie"_

My body stiffened feeling a sudden chill as I was suddenly brought back to that day. I heard her talking to me, " _I find it funny how a smile can hide a broken heart, how the masking of your feelings is a secret art" "_ _Your good at it Amanda you've had a lifetime of practice, you allowed yourself to go numb so you wouldn't bleed now let me give you a new way to bleed, through healing love and expression"_ She sat next to me asking if it was okay to put her arm around me I nodded feeling so cold, she pulled me closer wrapped a blanket around me. _"Are you alright?""Yes," "Are you really?" "No"_

" _No one can hear the screams of your internal pain_ _Amanda you must voice them to start to heal_ _. You think there's no hope and no faith left to give_ _there is_ _._ _I bet you f_ _eel no reason and no purpose for_ _your_ _soul to live." "There's always a reason to go on Amanda Love, You love Liv right?" "Yes" "You loved Love Jesse right?" "Yes" "Would Jesse want you to die?" "No she'd want me to help others she'd want me to have another baby she loved kids, people in general" "How did Kim kill her?" "_ _I_ _came home later than usual Liv was being crappy she wouldn't let us leave, so I told my sitter to leave since she was older. I didn't want her to walk home in the dark it's not a good neighborhood, I had this bad feeling all day yet I stayed at work I needed to show Liv she could trust me, I knew I needed to show Kim I could trust her to, she kept swearing she was taking her_ _M_ _eds"_

Everything started spinning I couldn't breathe again my hands were stiff my neck stiff my chest so tight. She helped me to lay down, held my hand started doing breathing techniques with me. Massaging my shoulders. Ten minutes later she wrapped the blankets around me handing me warm tea. She had me close my eyes she put on some instrumental Irish music which soothed me. After another twenty minutes I felt okay to keep going. " _I didn't get home till after 12 am, when I did I saw Kim passed out with some guy they had done cocaine, I started panicking I didn't hear Jesse but I heard running water, I ran into the bathroom"_ She kept rubbing my hand as I saw it replay in my mind again running into the bathroom seeing my baby girl face down in the tub, screaming grabbing her knowing she was gone she was blue, yet still trying to do CPR call 911, massage my baby's chest breathe into her mouth. My whole body shaking as the tears started coming, Sharon's arms engulfing me as I finally let the tears out tears that I had never shed.

I slept for hours after that appointment taking the sleeping pills they offered me. When I woke up I saw my room mate staring at me. " _What did they do to you damn bitch you look like someone died" "Someone did my daughter"_

She seemed speechless yet when I looked up she was by me sitting by me now, I didn't want anybody by me. Still I couldn't push her away I felt this strange protection over her, like I had promised someone I would watch her. Which was strange I never saw her before today.

She placed her arm over my shoulder as I started crying damn it I thought I had cried myself dry. " _Someone I loved died to"_

" _He should of lived he was too beautiful too talented, he was my angel his name was Shay you got his lungs"_

I sat up suddenly eyes wide wait was this young girl by me Taylor Clements? I didn't have a chance to ask before she opened her mouth starting to sing the most beautiful song I have ever heard. When she was singing I felt like I was seeing another world, like I was seeing heaven I saw it so clearly I never knew Shay but I knew his case, I saw him on a unicorn with Jesse by his side.

 _ **"Kiss Of Life"**_

" _ **You're my soundproof room  
Where I let it all out  
You're never there to judge me  
When I'm full of doubt  
Held close to your pain  
You burn me body and soul  
I know heaven will be waiting  
When I lose control**_

 _ **And I'm out of my head  
Running blindly to you  
Caught in the moment with you**_

 _ **I breathe you in  
You're beautiful  
And angels fly to Babylon  
To save the world for you  
You loved me and I came alive  
All of me on fire  
Surrendered like I'm made of wax  
Your flame, the kiss of life**_

 _ **You're my voodoo man  
With your body in paint  
You'll always be my king  
My heart you can break  
I'm all flesh and blood  
And deep down I know  
That heaven is here waiting  
So I give you control**_

 _ **And I'm out of my head  
Running blindly to you  
Lost in this moment with you**_

 _ **I breathe you in  
You're beautiful  
And angels fly to Babylon  
To save the world for you  
You loved me and I came alive  
All of me on fire  
Surrendered like I'm made of wax  
Your flame, the kiss of life**_

 _ **If I fall I will break, I will shatter  
When I'm with you all that doesn't matter  
You're the everything I wanna know  
I look at you and I see gold  
If I fall I will break, I will shatter  
When I'm with you all that doesn't matter  
You're the everything I wanna know  
I look at you and I see gold**_

 _ **I breathe you in  
You're beautiful  
And angels fly to Babylon  
To save the world for you**_

 _ **I breathe you in  
You're beautiful  
And angels fly to Babylon  
To save the world for you  
You loved me and I came alive  
All of me on fire  
Surrendered like I'm made of wax  
Your flame, the kiss of life**_

 _ **You're my soundproof room  
Where I let it all out  
You're never there to judge me  
When I'm full of doubt"**_

 **Lyrics to Kiss of Life belong to The Corrs and Atlantic Records.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Amanda**

Here's the thing in today's society we often take things with a grain of salt we make jokes about things we think are funny that we never stop to think could really be offensive to someone. How many times do we make a joke about missing our medication or being so upset we're going to kill ourselves? Mental health conditions aren't words you can just throw around to describe people. Your boss isn't bipolar because one minute she's screaming at you to get your work done and leave before you get overtime, than the next begging you to stay and help. You're sister acting spacey and hyper doesn't mean she has _ADD_ _._ Your brother isn't _so_ _OCD_ because he likes to match his sneakers to his outfit. The politician who's ideas you don't like isn't _psychotic_ _._

Many people who have mental health conditions are people you would never suspect have them. Your friend who appears to be calm could have anxiety. Your neighbor who is a successful cop could have bipolar disorder. There are so many people who are thriving with mental health conditions because we have received treatment and worked our butts off to get to where we are. We are not freaks, clowns, or monsters. We're valuable, wonderful human beings who have so much intellect, talent and creativity to contribute to the world. Stop calling people acting in negative ways _mentally ill_ _._ It's incredibly offensive to people with mental health conditions.

Laughing is wonderful making jokes can be a way to heal but make jokes that aren't offensive to people who already have to deal with the stigma of having an illness too often over looked ignored and torn apart by the general population. It makes it so hard for any of us to accept or reach out for the help for fear of judgment prosecution.

Mental illness is one of those things you just don't joke about. It is not something to be taken lightly or in fun. Mental illness affects many people in detrimental and heartbreaking ways every day, and there is absolutely no humor in that.

I saw it as a detective everyday now I was experiencing it for myself the highs and lows really gripped me in a way I can't explain. One day I would be doing amazing making so much progress in therapy opening up learning ways to deal with my triggers, learning it's okay to ask for help seeing Liv at night making plans to spend our lives together, we we're planning to buy a house. I was doing so well we were looking at a release date soon.

A matter of hours later one joke sent me flying over the edge into hysteria, I was so happy having finished my session with Sharon, waiting in the hall for Taylor who was meeting with her therapist. When I heard two RN's talking among themselves. " _Did you see that stupid memo today about being tolerate towards offending others?"_ " _Yeah all because someone complained Todd made a rape joke as if anyone on our unit will complain"_ _"_ _Who's going to complain about rape jokes? Rape victims? They barely even report rape."_ It brought all my memories back of my daddy, my mom's boyfriends of Chief Patton. I couldn't breathe, all my therapy went out the window, everything was spinning I felt sick betrayed, I tried closing my eyes focusing on a spot on the wall.

Nothing worked because I wasn't here anymore I was there back in Atlanta. " _Amanda you know I don't take no for an answer" "Please no Chief I don't want this, please your hurting me"_ Slap his hand flew across my face so hard I fell back against the wall. _"Don't even think of screaming you little whore, everyone knows what a slut you are no one will believe you"_ I wanted to run but he was holding my wrists above my head he slammed me into the wall kissing my neck, I felt the tears welling up I couldn't release them I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

" _Please stop please I won't tell anyone I swear there has to be another way please,_ I screamed as he ripped my hair slamming me onto the bed ripping my dress the rest of the way off of me laughing as he slammed my head into the headboard slapping me. " _No please don't do this please"_ " _Amanda you know I don't take no for an answer"_ Pain tore through me as he forced himself inside of me. He hurt so bad, he didn't stop grunting thursting as I gave up letting him do what he wanted.

Maybe they were right I deserved it maybe it was their right to laugh at me. I didn't report it I didn't fight him, I let him get away with it. I let him live his life freely while I was the one plagued by nightmares, rumors driven out of town. I went into that room I knew what he wanted I stayed I didn't leave, I asked for it so why should I be offended?

" _Amanda"_ Someone was calling to me yet all I could hear was him his laughter, his grunts, all I could feel was my cold sweats, his body fluids on me in me, his breath, his hands. " _Breathe Amanda breathe for me" "Amanda talk to me" "Get away from me! Leave me alone! I said no I said I didn't want this please stop your hurting me"_ Hands were holding me down I tried to fight them they were so much bigger stronger, pain just took over my whole body. Someone slipped a needle in my arm, everything went black.

" _Amanda your angry" "Damn right I am Sharon it's not fair he gets to live his life he gets early retirement he gets to stay with his family, friends I get nightmares, I get dept, hospitalization, medication" "It's what I deserve though so I can't complain" "Why do you deserve it Amanda?" "Because Sharon I allowed him to rape me I went there knowing he wanted sex I gave up fighting" "None of that means you wanted to be raped, none of it means he had the right to take that from you" "You don't get it Sharon I was a cop I knew the danger, I knew no one would believe me yet I went anyway"_ Liv shock her head she was sitting by me holding my hand _"Amanda baby you have to stop blaming yourself. Do you think I deserved to be raped when I went to the prison knowing we were after a rapist I put myself in that place, I would have been raped if Fin hadn't shown up so I got what I asked for?"_ Tears pricked my eyes as I shock my head wrapping my arms around her neck. " _No Liv god no you don't ever deserve to be hurt!" "Than why do you Manda?" "Cause Liv I'm… I'm not pure I haven't been since I was a kid" "Sweetie what your dad did to you it doesn't define you it doesn't make you a bad person unworthy of love, it doesn't mean you should be hurt, scared, you have to start forgiving yourself"_

" _I'm I .. Liv I …." "Shh baby it's okay to not be okay I'm here for you always my love"_ The minute Liv wrapped her arms around me I started to break. " _Your wrong Amanda you can save someone who_ _doesn't_ _want to be saved because no matter how hard you fight me Amanda I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here, I am fighting for you even when you can't or won't fight for yourself" "_ _Pretending it didn't happen sweetheart it won't make it go away_ _start acknowledging it happened start forgiving yourself, start asking for help please sweetie"_ _"_ _He raped me okay are you happy he raped me he held me down he tore my dress he held my hands above my head he fucking raped me I screamed no I begged him to stop"_ I fell apart she didn't let me go though, she held me kissed me rocked me as Sharon rubbed my back. I heard them talking yet I didn't hear what they said everything was a blur. I was dizzy cold and sick.

According to Brandi I spent a week in a private room after trying to hang myself, I don't remember any of it, all I know was Taylor found me passed out almost blue _._ She did CPR on me till Brandi and the rest of the staff came in. I was rushed to the acute unit where life was so different.

I was in a straight jacket drugged up. I wasn't allowed visitors, apparently I screamed my head off crying non stop yelling for Liv so loud my screams echoed down the halls. All I remember was living through that terror over and over hearing their voices mocking me laughing at me, taking pieces of me with each hit each rape each assault.

One minute I was naked on a deck by some fancy boat that one of Mamma's BF's owned, I remember him he was a navy man, he use to chain me to the deck of his yacht, he made me do things to him. He stripped me naked, I didn't get to eat, I didn't sleep his friends all took turns with me. The next minute I was in that hotel with Patton. The next I was at school, one of the boys didn't like hearing no he thought it was funny to slam me against the locker gorp me while his friends laughed.

Sometimes really terrible things happen to really amazing people. I don't know what I did to deserve this. All I knew was when I came out of my drugged haze, I was sick of feeling this way sick of feeling like I was doomed to a life of pain, sick of feeling numb sick of hurting myself to stop the hurt others inflicted on me. I knew I couldn't keep hurting Liv or Fin, Carisi.

When I was allowed back to Second Harvest I was in a private room for a week, watched every second by an RN. Therapy was in that room, my meals were in that room I never left. " _I'm not better I know it Sharon I don't know if I ever will be I waited for years for someone to figure it out to help me to make me feel worthy of being saved_ _they never did or if they did they just didn't give a damn as long as I said I'm fine as long as I smiled flipped my hair agreed to whatever they said that's all that mattered_ _, now Liv has stepped up yet I can't do it,_ _I want to I want to get better but my mind is just so fucked up Sharon I just I can't...seem to figure this out" "Your not alone Amanda that's the first thing you need to start to see you can't do this alone you shouldn't have to, open your eyes see what's around you._

 _I'm here for you Liv is here your whole squad is rooting for you, Taylor is here for you so many people love you"_

My first night back in our room I couldn't find the words to talk to Taylor I just kept feeling guilty she'd been through so much already now to see me attempt to kill myself how scared she must be. " _You don't have to feel guilty Manda we're all here for different reasons yet the bottom line is we've all been through shit, that's too much to handle but we're all here to learn how to handle them, it's not easy we won't always get it right the first time" "I won't lie that was scary yet I have to thank you," "Thank me?"_

" _Yes because before you did that I wasn't feeling like there was a reason to go on I didn't feel any love, my parents treat me like shit I'm just some dumb bitch that doesn't know anything, I'm confused they say I'm not bisexual I am going through a phrase, I'm not a musician I'm a kid with too much free time on her hands to dream stupid dreams."_

" _My siblings wish I were dead so, before you I was questioning where this love was, I can't see it touch it taste it, I didn't feel it, not since Shay… Seeing you on that floor it made me understand love is there all around when you open yourself up, I was so scared to lose you, not just because you have Shay's lungs, but because you and Liv represent what I want in life, with you two I see you can achieve it all success in careers, love and just being yourself so thank you Amanda and if you ever do that again I swear I'll send Shay after you when you get to heaven"_ We both started laughing.

" _Lets try one of Sharon's exercises write down ten things you like about yourself, than we write ten things we like about each other"_

Ten things uh I could barely name two.. but I had to try. We took about twenty minutes before we were ready than she read her list first. It's the ultimate dream to feel truly comfortable with oneself; to do, say and believe exactly what you like without bitterness and without worrying about what others may say. It's one none of us will ever achieve yet with a little help we can at least reach a stage where we are comfortable enough to know there's beauty in imperfection.

" _Your bold Amanda you say what you feel"_

" _You fight for injustice"_

" _Your a leader"_

" _You have an inner beauty"_

" _Your eyes are the most beautiful blue I have ever seen"_

" _Your funny, sweet"_

" _You Show your gratitude"_

" _Your energized"_

" _Your reckless sometimes yet never with bad intentions your unafraid to be you"_

" _Your a survivor Amanda you found ways to cope with everything shitty handed to you, you found ways to bleed through it and now your here learning a new way to bleed a new way to breathe, your here to show a new generation it's okay not to be okay as long as you admit it"_

I'm a survivor did she just call me a survivor? Well I guess she's right I am we both are. Smiling I squeezed her hand as I read her list to her.

" _Your unique your brave"_

" _You hold onto love even when others don't give you the love you deserve"_

" _You went through hell, you fought harder"_

" _Your smart unafraid to show it_ _you don't lie"_ _"_

" _Your creative, creative people will rule the world"_

" _You have the sweetest smile"_

" _You work harder than anyone else to prove you are going to be a star"_

" _Your not spoiled you appreciate what you have and never flash it"_

" _You give back to others"_

" _Your a Survivor"_

The look we shared was enough for us to know that even though we may not always be okay that we will always have moments when we are weak, when we feel like we've failed, in the end we will be alright. Mental illness is an illness that your never really cured from you always have to work at it take your medication know your triggers and be unafraid to say when enough is enough.


	19. Chapter 19

**Amanda**

" _You won't be haunted by this forever the pain will fade. Salvation has a price but it doesn't have to be your sanity"_

I smiled proudly as Taylor stood at the podium standing in front of 1,000 high school students at Franklin J High School. She was the guest speaker on bullying and the effects. I was sitting so proudly next to Liv, Fin, Carisi. Sometimes it's hard to believe it's been a year since we've both gotten out. I feel so amazing now a days, Liv and I adopted a baby boy we named him Angel Shay Rollins-Benson. He's almost six months now, Noah is four he'll be starting preschool next year. We moved to Chelsea we now have a loft with four rooms, one for Noah, One for Angel one for Liv and I who will be making it official next month when we marry. The other room is for our daughter Taylor who we adopted six months ago after we convinced her parents to give up their rights or face charges of neglect. Liv fought so hard for her. For me for us for this beautiful life we have now.

" _No one can ever know what it's like to be in a place so dark you feel there's no light. I just wanted to let you know how beautiful you are to me, you_ _all_ _have an inner spirit that shines as bright as any sunrise._ _Sometimes things happen for a reason and sometimes it seems like a random twist of fate. The point is that something happen_ _s._ _Now_ _we are_ _facing the aftermath. How are_ _we_ _going to deal now that things are different? How can one moment change everything? I don't know how or why it happens but, I do know that it happens._ _We can do it by staying true to each other/ ourselves._ _By being kind to one another by accepting differences by encouraging individuality._

" _Right now there's a kid in ever_ _y_ _school who needs a friend someone_ _who understands_ _. They_ _want_ _a shoulder to cry on someone to depend on._ _We_ _all need someone who won't let u_ _s_ _down._ _We_ _need the sense of something familiar and calming."_

" _If someone hurt you remember it isn't your fault something horrible happened and you had no control over it. I can tell you this. Don't give up. You can make up for your mistake. You can ask for forgiveness if you know you need to. You can also forgive someone that wronged you, even if they never ask to be forgiven. You see, forgiveness relieves a horrible weight on your mind and on your soul. Once you let that go, things always get better. You may also need to forgive yourself. Go on, you can do it. Keep trying to make things better and never, never, never give up! I am working on it I hope we can work on it together, Things are often darker before the storm."_

" _Every 30 minutes a child attempts suicide because of bullying,_ _Almost one out of every four students 22% report being bullied during the school year._ _64 percent of children who were bullied did not report it; only 36 percent reported the bullying. More than half of bullying situations 57 percent stop when a peer intervenes on behalf_ _the student being bullied. School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25%. The reasons for being bullied reported most often by students were looks 55%, body shape 37%, and race 16%._ _Students who experience bullying are at increased risk for poor school adjustment, sleep difficulties, anxiety, and depression_ _mental illness_ _."_

" _I know because I was one of those girls I dared to be myself to be different than my peers to chose love to choose to do say and wear what I love, because of this. I was targeted by my peers I was shoved pushed down, raped called names, had my belongings vandalized I was told to kill myself_ _cause I was worthless unlovable_ _after awhile I believed them. I came up with the idea to kill myself I told my best friend, he told me I wasn't going to die alone, he made plans to kill himself as well."_

" _October_ _15th_ _, 20_ _16_ _, will always be the day that divides_ _my_ _life. Before that day,_ _my best friend Shay_ _was alive. A sweet, gentle and lanky_ _tall lady gaga loving_ _fifteen_ _-year-old fumbling his way through adolescence trying to establish his place in the often confusing and challenging social world of_ _high_ _school. After that day he would be gone forever, death by suicide. Some would call it bullycide or even cyber bullycide._ _I_ _just call it a huge hole in_ _my_ _heart that will never heal._ _I call it my memory that will never leave me. Before that day I was just going through the motions of life now I am happy. I am living yet there's a part of me that will never be able to truly be happy because Shay is not here with me, he'll never get to go to college he'll never get to be on Broadway or have his own singing career he would've been amazing. I have to live life for both of us now."_

" _There are some things that every kid should experience in life laughter, fun, happiness, like swimming in a lake on a summer day with their dog and friends eating Rita's building memories_ _or_ _ice skating on a cold bitter snow day in Rockefeller's center laughing at confused tourists. Finding their passions in life, having the courage and encouragement to chase their dreams, they should be able to laugh with friends try on whatever they want to wear without fear of judgment._ _I can image a world without fear without bondage we create with pride misconception and social normalcy"_

" _We are the future we are the kids of tomorrow it's up to us to change the world, by showing kindness by teaching the next generation that we won't accept un-acceptance, remember that words do hurt badly sometimes so badly the person having them thrown at them can never recover._ _R_ _emember the fragility of adolescence of life. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture, you can change a person's life. I know because the actions of the NYPD SVU changed mine forever."_

" _For the first time in my whole life I have a family that loves me who depends on me, who encourages me who laughs with me cries with me fights for me and with me. I hope this message gets to anyone who has ever walked the halls of a school, who has ever dealt with negativity from others. Bullying is not okay it is_ _ **NOT**_ _just another part of growing up it is not normal, we do not need to man up or suck it up, I'm sick of the innocence being abused by those with power, to anyone who's ever been beaten, kicked, had their name smeared, who's been depressed who felt that life wasn't worth it, it's not normal it is not okay and it should never be okay to not feel safe inside a place where they are suppose to be protected they are suppose to be learning."_

" _If you think your not good enough you are! We all have the right to be happy to dream to express, to be_ _accepted_ _we shouldn't have to go to heaven to get that acceptance, so how do you want to be remembered?"_

" _As someone who stood up like a warrior and fought for what's right or do you want your destiny to be remembered as someone who took pleasure in bringing someone else to so much pain that they took their own life?"_

" _Even if you aren't doing the bullying if you see it you hear it and you do nothing you are just as guilty just as responsible as the bully because you had the chance to stop someone to save someone yet you stood by and did nothing"_

" _To the kids being bullied hold on you are beautiful and guess what life after all this shit it will be beautiful it will be brighter, bigger, bolder it will be better you will be stronger, beautiful and you will change the world because of what you went through, don't be afraid to ask for help shout it if you need to just don't go quietly into the night."_

" _You can over come any pain with your own permission, there's hope there's help, love, light and laughter you don't need to get to the end of the rainbow cause you can be your own damn neon rainbow, shine it proudly hold your head proudly"_

" _Rollins"_ I felt Liv place her right hand gently on my arm looking up after a few minutes I saw her worried expression. " _Are you alright? Did this upset you?"_ Was I alright? Honestly that was a question I asked myself everyday I struggled with the answer even a year later.

People who are suffering from mental illness are suffering from pain, it's nothing to laugh at. I've never felt this strange in my life, it's like some days I feel so numb. They have me on so many medications. I know it's for my own good, I've had bad days, I've had good days. Three weeks ago that was a really bad week. I had another breakdown crying hysterically Liv had to hold me down pinning me against the bed till I was so exhausted I couldn't fight anymore passing out from hyperventilating. Other days I just feel lucky to be alive. When I'm depressed, it seems like I'll never feel normal again. And when I do feel normal, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're learning how to spot a relapse and stop it. Treating depression is frustrating, the trial and error with finding the right medication and the right therapist. I often feel like "Will this feeling ever go away? Than I look into Liv's beautiful eyes I feel something stir inside of me, I like to call it hope.

You often hear people say "You'll never find love until you love yourself" I get what people mean what they say, no matter how much someone else loves you until you learn to love yourself flaws and all, you'll never allow their love to penetrate you. As a teenager I thought I would never find someone to love me with all my flaws even as an adult I used sex as a weapon to guard myself. No feelings no chance of getting hurt right?

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I've been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it's still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My depression doesn't care that I am in a relationship with a beautiful strong compassionate sexy woman who makes me laugh, tells me I'm beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any one has. I am grateful for the nights Liv holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that she puts up with my random periods of irritability.

She constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we're out in public. She fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when I'm having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. She takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, a year into this relationship, "Wow, someone is in love with me." I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.

Love takes time patience work from both parties if you have someone who is willing to not just stay by your side through the rain the thunder but who will dance with you through the eye of the hurricane to music only you two can hear then you are lucky. I am lucky I just have to keep telling myself that it's okay not to be okay it's okay to break down as long as you remember to pull yourself up. That wounds and ghosts will always be there but so will love and love can really cure so much, as long as I am willing to open up and trust.

It's never going to be easy but then either is life. The climb however hard as it is will be so worth the view when your cuddled in the arms of the one you love watching another sunset rise or fall. I am not afraid of living I am not afraid of the pain cause I know I will have the strength to catch myself.

I am a beautiful disaster I am lucky Liv sees through the damage holds me through the tears the laughter, she holds me tight, even when I don't know what I am after. She just kisses me, she eases my fears. She makes me see hope is out there it's as beautiful as a rainbow after a storm, a unicorn standing at heaven's gates with their latest angel.

I am going to be okay I know I have a beautiful angel watching over me. Looking up at Liv I smile. " _I'm going to be okay Liv it will take time but I know I will make it" "No Amanda will make it together forever all five of us"_ With one look in her eyes I was dead my head bent back as she leaned down kissing me just as the room filled with applause, we stood up joining in still locked in lips as we clapped our hearts out for our daughter.

Damn I was really lucky. The worst is over at least for now I'm not broken when I am open now. Liv, Taylor, Noah and angel have helped heal my broken child. Their love gives me hope. Thats all we all really need to hold on isn't it a little hope a little love. Life doesn't get much more beautiful than that.


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